I never learned to trust the people in authority. I might respect them and crave their approval, but I always feel like they are sizing me up and finding me unworthy. It was the same with . Even though I did my share of work and took care of him and the actors far beyond the call of duty, like bringing the girls, who had no place to live in Moscow, to sleep at my home, or sharing food and money with the actors, working at all hours to support them, - there was no words of appreciation and a lot of sneering coming my way from the top. And then there were the rants that out director was prone to go into.
He would, again, turn up the collar of his jacket (making himself look like a romantic figure) and walk in front of us in a measured stage pace. He then would go into a monolog about anything, like: did we really think that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey? Why this topic was important to him? I think, his point was that, to show himself to the best advantage, a leader must have all the best trappings of success. I didn't know anything about Jesus at that time, but inside I thought: if you are misrepresenting Jesus right now, what does it make you?
Little by little, I began to see the shortcomings of our enterprise. My friends kept leaving the theater. I was connected to it with my heart, so it was harder to leave. At that time, my family was also trying to immigrate to the U.S. I couldn't imagine parting with everything I loved in Russia. I cooked up a plan to marry an actor from our theater, fictitiously. He would get to stay in Moscow and my parents would feel better about leaving me in Russia. The plan didn't work because my parents bribed . He was in a position of a father to us, as he liked to say it, and here he was - betraying my confidence and me.
I should've learned something form that experience, but - what? Not to get my heart invested? Not to trust it to anyone? Should I have just hardened up and forgotten all about the things that I love? No, it wouldn't have been me anymore!