Sunday, December 1, 2013


      So-o-o confused!
      It probably is absolutely strange to you that two such different people as Taka and I are married for 25 years, have children and co-exist in a relatively small area without killing each other or parting our merry ways. 
     The longer we are together, the more strange it seems to me too. There is no love between us, no real intimacy, as when you talk about important things and know what another person is thinking or feeling. We are just working in this family.
     It could be worse. How? We could've divorced after bringing children into this world. We could've been in dire financial situation that would've made our emotional troubles grow into a monster of a marital abuse. It didn't happen, unless you count subtle manipulation and bullying as abuse. 
     Taka can't abide hearing my opinion. He tries, I know, to bridge the gap between us, but as soon as it comes to us talking for more than ten minutes, he slips into his judgmental, insecure mode, that soon gets me upset too. There is no reasoning or playing games with him to lighten the mood! He is a great guy and a good provider, as well as a tremendously organized and diligent worker, but he is very hard on my nerves!
images (237×213)     Today a friend at the church talked to me about the Bariatric surgery. She had it done (it's when the doctors cut a part of your stomach off or do other surgical procedures in order to radically help you reduce appetite). I was going to do it too but changed my mind after the medical insurance changed. Now I am waiting to start a Weight Management Program at Kaiser in the new year. Taka made necessary money arrangements for me to do it. What happens is, a part of his wages will be assigned to the medical expenses and not taxed. Whatever we spend out of pocket on medical things will be reimbursed from that set amount. If we don't spend enough, the rest of that money will be gone. For example, if $500 is assigned for that purpose and we use only $300, $200 will be lost to us. So, understandably, Taka is now nervous that I should absolutely do the Weight Management, for which he prepared and assigned a sum of money, because otherwise we'll just lose it.
                                                           jpeg (93×104)
     I understand it. On the other hand, if I do the Weight Management, spend close to $5,000 in a year and a half and won't lose enough weight or will gain it back soon after, that money will be just wasted. My friend that did the Bariatric surgery is absolutely convinced that that is the way to go. She is visibly thinner now and recommends it to me 100%.
     The money that we have assigned for the Weight program can be used to repair Taka's  jaw problem! That is also not covered by our insurance and is very important to take care of. If we use our medicine account to do that we 'll lose nothing. I think it's a very logical argument in favor of doing the surgery without forfeiting the money. 
     No matter what I said, Taka only got more and more entrenched in wanting me to just stick with the Weight Program. We had a small argument, than he walked away angry, then, unexpectedly, came back and asked if I want to go get a cup of coffee somewhere.
images (233×217)     If you read my last few posts, you'd know that that's what I was trying to accomplish: get him to spend some time with me and do something to bring us closer. So, yeah, I was happy to agree to go out!
images (198×254)     We ended up in a restaurant nearby. He has this way of suggesting something, then saying that I can choose otherwise if I don't agree. Immediately after that it becomes apparent that he absolutely wants to do what he wants to do. We went through that rigmarole while deciding on a place to go to and what to order. Both times I gave in. You know, it is not important to me where I eat or what. I just get depressed that I always have to cave in to his wishes in order to keep him happy. 
     Taka suspiciously eyed me from across the table every time that I had to make my choice to side with his opinion or not. I tried to go on instinct. It told me that this was not the time to be stubborn. I considered whipping out the cards from the Ungame and asking Taka to answer a question but again decided against it.
     Doing that would be like putting a band-aid on a cancerous tumor. Unless he gets advised to lighten up and become a friend first to me and the kids, he will not give up his imaginary seat of power. What power? The one that he thinks he holds over us by always insisting on his ways. 
     All in all, it was not a bad experience. I made him feel secure, and that's a good thing, right? I just think that while he feels secure, he will not do anything to augment his behavior. 
Then again, I might be wrong. Heavenly Power, what'll it be?

1 comment:

  1. Codependency is when we surrender our opinions and values because we fear the rejection or anger of another. You are not helping Taka, by giving in. Nope, you aren't. Yielding to abusive, easily angered people is codependency.

    He is not going to change, if you submit each time to his demands. That's tyranny. You want to learn how to say your no, as gently as your yes.

    Better, is developing your network of Safe/Balcony People. We need to bond with healthy others---not Taka---before we are able to emotionally detach from abusers and those who can easily ruin our serenity and peace of mind. Keep the focus on you. You could have read a card and give YOUR answer, regardless of Taka's desire to join in.

    "One life showing the way is better than ten tongues trying to explain it."