Monday, December 23, 2013


This is a Seth Adam Smith's post in his blog. 

     Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
     Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
     I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
     Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
     Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
     Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
     My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raisethem? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
     It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
     My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
     No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
     Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
     But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

Marriage is about family.

     I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
     To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
     And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
     Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
              End of Adam's blog.

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     It's two in the morning. I can't sleep. To be precise, I was asleep. I went to bed pretty early. 
My dreams were interrupted, when Taka jumped off the bed. He didn't answer my questions of what was wrong - just hurriedly went out the door. "May be he needs to go to the bathroom," - I thought, but I heard him working in the laundry room. The clock in the bedroom showed "2:00". I closed my eyes. The light went on. Was something wrong? I couldn't believe what I saw: Taka brought newly dried clothes and started to sort them out! 
     When I get into the bedroom late at night, even if I need light, I wouldn't turn it on. To me it's paramount that I don't wake my husband up. And here he was, just folding his clothes away, not even answering my questions. 
     We did argue in the evening before. May be he was still brewing over this. Or it could be that he was thinking, how to get Hanah the money for rent and bus fare. All that is a possibility, but why wake me up and not talk about it? There is no chance of me falling asleep after this!
     I lay and waited for him to give any explanation for his behavior. I didn't want to keep on asking him for it: it would be too pathetic. When no explanation came, I got up and went to talk to you. 
     Any comments? 

1 comment:

  1. Yes, we get what we tolerate. This is a perfect opportunity to use nonviolent communication: "Taka, I notice you are sorting out the clothes in our room at 2:00 a.m. I am frustrated because I need to rest and what you are doing is preventing that, in addition it is not respecting my need for consideration and sensitivity. Would it be possible for you to work on the laundry in the living room?"

    The only way we get stronger at using new skills is by exercising them until they become a part of us.

    Is his lack of sensitivity going to improve, if you don't express your needs, using compassionate communication, i.e., nonviolent communication?