Oh, life! Just when you might think that everything is, finally, normalizing and getting better, - slam! bam! - a realization comes that things are not what they seem; or - the opposite: just when you give up and think that things will never be as they should, - slam! bam! - like a lightning from the sky - an opportunity arrives.
I had both things happen to me in the process of these couple of weeks.
You know, how I keep saying that my relationship with Taka is getting on track, and it's better than it ever was before. It is true, but before it was totally miserable! We would either scream at or ignore each other. When we just started our life together, he showed me just how emotional an adult Japanese men can be. And not 'good' emotional! If he didn't like something that I said or did, he would often break things on purpose: just throw them against the wall; he tore his shirts: buttons were flying all over the place, - and shattered dishes. No conversation ended well. To be fair, he was quite paranoid about our financial situation, and that made him act out most often, but - come on!
I never expected this. During my life in the church I many times had arguments with Japanese men (there are a lot of them in our movement), but I also had wonderful relationships with my male friends from all kinds of different countries. We talked and laughed and worked, and almost never were bitter toward each other. Here was a man with whom I was supposed to create an eternal bond, a family - but he scared the life out of me!
Anyway, my point is that we are better now, but it doesn't mean much from the grander perspective. We are far from being a normal couple in comparison to some normal couples. I don't know any, but I have an idea of how they would relate to each other!
So it became imperative for me to acknowledge that fact. I began to experience really intense feelings of depression or anxiety. I don't remember when I last felt such things.
That's the part when I thought that things were fine, but they weren't.
On the other hand, there is a light at the end of my tunnel...
I met with Mp. P. today. To my embarrassment, he first wanted to talk about my comment on how he was a bit too authoritative on the issue of me allowing Rev. Moon to choose my husband. I refused to back down, although it was hard to look him in the eye and say that I don't regret my decision. It was my trust that I gave, it was not done out of weakness or fear.
We locked horns for a while, then changed subject. It was another one of my blogs that he wanted to discuss, the one about the credit card problem. I should say: Taka's anger problem. Even though I understand and accept that he was anxious about the unknown charges on our credit card statement, he still had no right to approach me with such hostility. Mr. P. kept on telling me that, my value stems not from what I do or don't do. It stems from me being a daughter of God and simply a human being. Taka had no right to rage at me because he was upset. The best point that I took from the meeting with Mr. P. was this: if a loved one has a cold or a flu, we avoid close contact with them - not because we dislike them, but because we dislike and don't want to perpetuate their sickness. So, if a loved one is, suppose, an alcoholic or a rageaholic, we should choose to detach from them - not because we dislike them, but because we dislike their affliction and refuse to perpetuate it. We do it for them as much as for us, since a certain degree of detachment will allow us to continue the relationship with them and show them that we love them, and that's the only thing that can save them from themselves.