2. She wanted me to go to Arcata (5 hours driving) to get her, because she doesn't like Greyhound bus and for years told me that there is no station to buy a ticket. I wanted to go there on Christmas day, get her, celebrate at some restaurant on the way.
3. Tried to talk to Taka repeatedly about it yesterday when there was time to arrange things. He refused, said that Hanah needs to talk to him directly and today would not answer her texts or e-mails.
4. When he came home, I talked to him about money for Hanah. He didn't listen to anything else, went and transferred it to her.
5. I tried to inspire him to go get Hanah in Arcata. He hedged, then refused saying that he has a lot of things to do, including watching Netflix.
6. I said that I will go with Sonny then.
7. He began talking about the lack of money, that I had to now postpone my Weight management Program, because he couldn't pay for everything. Said something about donating.
8. I said, I don't want to donate anymore to our church.
9. He said that we should then cancel this family.
10. He brought me a credit card and checkbooks and said that I should manage things by myself.
|Taka horsing around|
So, what do you think? For the first point, I think, I cave in too quickly. I do want Hanah to come home very badly. We also need to discuss her financial situation and try and motivate her to find a job. Mr. P. tells me that I spoil my kids and infantalize them by giving in to every wish. This is a good example of it, isn't it? At the same time, she had to come home anyway!For the second point. She totally could go by bus! Even when it seemed too late, because the library where she would've printed out her ticket was closed for the holidays, she finally told me that there is a Greyhound ticketing station in her town, where she could go and get her ticket! Of course, going to Arcata would've been a great mini-vacation for the family.
For the third point. This thing about Taka blowing me off and telling Hanah to talk directly to him seems like a transparent desire to get us to bow down to him and ask for money. Mr. P. talked about a wife being a "helpmeet" to a husband (an idea from the New Testament), does not exist in this family. I just work here and get my value from how successful my results are. It hurts my feelings to no end when Taka would not talk to me.
The fourth point. He wanted Hanah to talk to him, but he didn't respond to her repeated texts and e-mails. Everything he does has to come from him, he can not listen.
The fifth. Taka didn't agree to go to Arcata only because it was my idea. Many times before he would decide to go somewhere at a spur of a moment, and we would get ready and go. He refuses to follow my ideas.
For the sixth point. I shouldn't have gotten upset when he refused to go. It's just so frustrating to realize that I am nothing to that man except a sum of my moving parts. Still, at that point, nether of us was upset yet.
The seventh. Money, money, money. I don't deny the importance of money, it just seems that, as soon as I need something and take an initiative to get it, money becomes an insurmountable issue. And the Weight Management Program became Taka's favorite chip to bargain with me, or, rather, to beat me down with!
Depressed yet? I am!
The eighth and the ninth. I am terrified of what I did. As soon as I said that I don't want to donate anymore, my fear about our family having no real foundation except for the church came true. He immediately told me that this family does not exist without the church being a common ground.
The tenth. What does he think I would do with those credit cards and checkbooks that he throws at me when we have a strong argument? Am I interested to be in charge? Is that my main point of dissension? It is, most emphatically, not! From an offer to go and spend time together as a family, we ended up at a brink of divorce. That gives me an idea that it's always on his mind, he just needs a reason, good enough for him. I should've taken the card and checkbook and went to the most expensive hotel for a night or two. That would have made him sweat!
As it is, I think, I am at a loss. With Taka, I can't talk, I shouldn't demand and I wouldn't beg. There is nothing left for me to do but be silent. Or - take his offer and divorce him. Half of the community property: not a bad thing. Or is it?