Sunday, December 15, 2013


     It's Sunday. Usually, today I would be at least considering going to church. Since I became disillusioned with my movement, it became harder and harder to master enthusiasm to go and listen to the pritching of people whom I don't trust anymore!
     Today I have an excuse: my ankle still hurts like dickens when I step on it. At least it stopped hurting when I'm at rest. That means that I will stay home today.
     Sonny is in his room, drooling into the pillow and dreaming about the perfect video games. Somewhere, three hundred miles North from here, Hanah is, probably, also still sleeping, but she might be having nightmares: this is the time for exams. Roberta and surly Park got out of the house early. He dragged her to a Korean church.
Roberta and Park
     Lately, he's been upset at me again. A few days ago he and Roberta were also going out. He went for a walk before they had to leave, and she asked me to stay in her room while she took a shower. Roberta has brittle bones and if she falls, as she did a couple of times already, she usually breaks something. I should've been giving her the shower, because - what use is there for me to stand there if she falls down? She was pretty strongly set on washing herself, though, so I just planted myself in the middle of her room, watching the bathroom and her through an open door like a hawk. 
     Park came in through a sliding door from outside. He was irritated to find me in his room and said that he will take care of Roberta and I should go. I did. A minute later I saw him in the kitchen! So, I went back to my place by Roberta. You would've thought that I mortally wounded Park by this action! He began to moan as he does when he is upset and ran into the room telling me that he was taking care of it! I said that he could not leave until she is done, out of the shower and dry and dressed. He insisted that he can go back and forward between the room and the kitchen. I refused to budge then, waited fro Roberta to finish her bath, helped her to get dry and dressed and only then left their room. 
     Since then Park is seething at me. I have a theory that he is strongly influenced by a sense of guilt, but not in the right way. He did feel that he should've been the one to help Roberta take shower, and since he didn't think of it, - he felt guilty. Since he also didn't think that she needed to be watched over, he also felt guilty. That made him resentful toward me. Guilt does that sometimes. Of course, because he is not prone to examining his emotions, he just decided that I was the cause of all his troubles.
     It's OK, it doesn't upset me. Not much, at least. I didn't cause those feelings in him, I can not change it, that he feels that way, even though I tried to pacify him a couple of times. 
     Roberta told me that he asked her if she will go with him if he finds another place for them to live. She said no. I will be so happy to see him go! I can not prevent her going with him, she is a big girl, after all, but she will be at his uncertain mercy if she does. She will also be surrounded by the Koreans and won't hear a word in English. If she was younger, it wouldn't be a problem, but she is eighty. It's hard to be isolated and helpless at that age.

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