Tuesday, July 23, 2013



     Did you ever have an experience, when you start talking with someone and, suddenly, feel that there is something wrong, that the other person is about to drop a bad news? It happened to me a few times. Right from the beginning of the telephone conversation with my aunt, Ella, I felt that something was wrong. She was angry and scared! She began to cry, suddenly, and accuse me of not contacting them until I wanted something for myself. She then told me that Pashka had a brain aneurysm and was dying in the hospital right at that time.
     She was right, of course. I was too busy building new life in the States to remember and care about them. On the other hand, she was older than me and could've taken the initiative and contacted me. All the time I lived near my parents, it was I who insisted, that they write the Christmas cards or in other ways contact our relatives. I, myself, never felt at ease with them. I always had a feeling that they look down at our family. But I couldn't say all this to my aunt at that moment. I don't even remember how I said goodbye. All that happened with my colleagues looking at me in confusion.
     I, of course, sent my condolences to her and Pashka's family, but that's how things were left between me and my aunt.
     So, - last night. 
     I had a dream that I was in Moscow, going to see my auntie. The impression was, that someone brought me there in a van, and we had a nice, light conversation before I got off. As a gift, I decided to purchase some eggs, which were sold on the side of the road. They were, kind of, fragile, with the shell either too soft or crinkled all over. I had to be really careful, how I held them. I crossed a huge expanse in front of the apartment building, with people milling all around. A young Russian lady opened the door of the flat. I knew, somehow, that my aunt shared an apartment with her. She brought me to the auntie's room. The auntie lay on a mattress on the floor. She looked younger than she should look right now, but very sick, with splotches all over her chest. On the other mattress was my Grandmother (she passed away in the nineteen eighties). I hesitated before approaching aunt Ella and said: "Its been so long since we saw each other!" She replied, in a rather sarcastic manner: "I never saw YOU!" She opened her arms to me, though, and we embraced. I also went and greeted my Grandmother. 
     At that point, I was almost awake. A thought came, that it was not my Grandmother, but my mother whom I greeted and who was trying to reach me in the dream. A lovely feeling came over me then, of joy and light. And that was it: I woke up to hear my husband bustle about, getting ready for work. 
     The dream worried me. Did it mean that auntie Ella is sick? I thought about it for a while and even looked up the meanings of dreams on the Internet (silly, huh?). The Internet, the-all-knowing, informed me that the eggs can mean being uncomfortable about some situation (like treading on eggshells), or feeling vulnerable and, perhaps, sick. An aunt could be just an aunt, or it could be me. Hmm, what should I make of it?

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