FRIENDS OR FOES?

     Should I have a different attitude toward Park?
     Yesterday I met at the church two ladies whom I considered as friends a couple of years ago. One of them is married to a Japanese man with the same character deficits as my own husband, so I naturally felt that we were in the same boat. Our relationship was always on unequal terms, and once, after not hearing from her for two months, I left her a message that I didn't need a friend like that. Since then we made up a couple of times, but she showed me, time and time again, that she doesn't need me and doesn't care about me. So I finally just let her and my anger toward her go. Now I greet her at church like any other person there and don't give or expect much.
     The other lady and her husband were in really bad shape when we got acquainted closer. They had no money, no regular jobs (she worked sometimes as a substitute aid at schools in our area). Their car was impounded for non-payment of tickets. I rushed to help. Organized an emergency fund for them, gave them money to get their car back, but before that drove the wife to work and from work for at least two weeks at the detriment of my own time and responsibilities. They responded by treating me like a taxi driver, asking to bring them to a library in a city far away from home, or to do other, not important enough to bother another person, in my opinion, chores. I tried to help the wife get better income, but she kept avoiding that opportunity. You might think that I tried to involve her in some kind of a multi-level business, but - no. She could register to be her sickly husband's home aid. It's very possible in the U.S., and the government pays for it. She, a sixty+ woman, preferred to go around selling flowers or some other stuff instead of getting a steady income. Whatever!
     After half a year of supporting them in every way I could, I began to have a very hard time with my husband. I needed to talk to someone, at least. No one was there. That lady began to act, kind of, stand-offish. I called her to talk a few times, got a machine and received no phone call back. That was when I dropped them from my friend list, which by then became empty.
     I don't know, why I lost all of my, so called, friends. Did they hate it that I gained weight? Did my own attitudes bother them too much? They never said anything to me! I existed in a vacuum for two or three years. That was just the time when my kids went to High School and also dropped me off their companionship lists. I was all alone. My phone only rang when some telemarketer called my number. The only close friend I had left was my TV. 

     After my dad died, I began to become more proactive to generate new friendships. I made room in my heart to welcome them and not to expect much in return. Little by little, some of them began to drop by to spend time together or we arranged movie nights and outings. I feel stronger now, but, like Mr. P. says, I still need my "balcony people". Who are they? They are better friends than I have now, that's for sure! 

                                                                    

Although, I was the one who let my friend Mary down yesterday by forgetting about our standing appointment to go to the pool. I got so turned around with all the events of the day that I didn't even look at my phone where she left a couple of messages. Uh-uh, I hope that she did not get too discouraged by my inattentiveness!
     So, now there is this situation with Park. I don't consider him a friend anymore. I don't trust him at all. He doesn't say to me honestly what's on his mind, I find it out from Roberta, who, I feel, is playing both of us. She calls him a sweetheart and tells him that she loves him, but to me she says that he is a bully and she wants to be rid of him. What's she expecting? That I'll off him for her? Or is she trying to get in my good graces by "dissing" him? I don't know. It's exhausting to have so much uncertainty in my life! 

     Never mind Roberta. I'd like to do a right thing with Park. I don't like him, that's the problem! He hurt my feelings and the sense of fairness so deeply that when I look at him I feel this wall in my heart. I don't like having walls in my heart! But I don't see myself opening it for him anytime soon. Sorry, Mr. Park, your smiles are a waste of fluoride!

Oops! Sorry, Mr. President!