Nothing much to report. I had a good session with Mr. P. and felt empowered afterwords to hold my ground in the bouts with Taka. I struggle with my husband's proclivity to verbal and emotional abuse for close to 25 years, but in the last few years things became easier, or so it seemed. In fact, I think, I became inured to his tantrums and he became inured to my passive-aggressive behavior. I bought into living with him as if we were just working together in our family. That's why, now when he calls and yells at me or runs out into the living room and yells at me, I hop-hop to doing whatever he demands me to do!
Even though, like I said, I struggled with Taka for close to 25 years, something in me resists making waves and standing up to him. I felt it in the conversation with Mr. P. My wishful thinking, or a delusion, that if we just be patient, we will manage to create something good by staying together, is faulty. What am I, actually, waiting for? For the time when we die, and there would be no more need to endure this? My kids are not stupid, they see that we are not happy together, and this way of life is not a way to live!
Last night, Taka started ranting again. I interrupted him and told my side of the story. I said: "I did my best, working by myself, calling the company twenty different times to take care of the problem. I did what they told me to do and now it is finished. You panicked for no reason and, being emotional instead of rational, yelled at and called me a name. I will not stand for it any longer. You have to apologize or next time do the calling yourself."
He shut up. He didn't apologize, but shut up and tried to humor me. Small steps? He still didn't apologize!
Today is the twenty fifth anniversary of our Blessing. For those of you who don't know it, Taka and I were Blessed in marriage together with 1,274 other couples by Rev. Moon of the Unification Church. Today we celebrate with some other people, who were married on that day. We will gather in a beautiful restaurant, smile and laugh, eat, smile and laugh, eat, take pictures, endure speeches, smile, laugh and eat. We will ignore the fact that many of us go through hell trying to find love and peace in our families. Of course, so do most married couples in the world. But why not take an extra step: step away from the needless suffering? By learning to get away from out delusions and false expectations, we can save a lot of grief to us, our children and the world. That would be a positive outcome, wouldn't it?