Sunday, January 26, 2014
I AM FEELING BLUE
I don't know, why I'm still moody. It's been many hours since the situation was resolved. I had a good time at the Al Anon's open meeting. It means that, there were quite a few groups there, with potluck dinner and speakers. They (the speakers) told us about their roads to recovery, whatever it took. We ate, laughed, clapped. All the while, I felt the heaviness drain all happiness out of me. On the way home I thought about it all. I had good friends in Russia. They are one of my best memories in life! I spent hours and hours with them, sometimes, - whole nights: talking and feeling the warmth and closeness envelope us as the night outside the windows receded into day. I had good friends!
Whatever people I met in the States (and they were from all over the world), they all, eventually, let me feel that I was not enough. Of course, that might mean that I am not enough. I changed for the better, I know that, yet now I keep anticipating every one of my good acquaintances to, gradually, stop calling or dealing with me. Most of them were also missionaries from the Unification Church, and we met and had our faith and mission in common. Nevertheless, there was a lot of amazing fun that we had roaming the roads,
overcoming all kinds of trials, spiritual and physical. Most of them seemed like they were my friends for life. I hardly have any connection with any of them now.
Doris, the English lady with 6 children, and I have Russia in common. She and her husband spent 4 years on a mission in the Urals. She had two of her children born in a small country hospital in Ekaterenburg. That's not a small accomplishment! We also laugh a lot when we get together, and she talks non-stop on any topic that we start. Both of us see Mr. P., in fact, she was one of the people who introduced me to him, and we go to the same Al Anon group,.
Today Doris called to make sure that we'll go to the open meeting together. We made a plan that, I will pick her up at 5:20. I was on time, even though I had many obligations to fulfill before my departure.
As I drove to a place designated for our meeting with Doris, I discovered that my phone didn't work. I thought for a few minutes how to let Doris know that I was waiting for her. I don't know her apartment number, so going to the lobby wouldn't have helped. I hoped that she would show up by herself, after all, it was already time to leave. In a few minutes I decided to take action. I spotted some teenagers getting in the car nearby, went and asked to use one of their phones. They were a nice bunch and offered me a huge Smart Phone to call.
- "Hello, may I speak with Doris, please?" - I asked, when her son answered.
- "She already left!"
- "She left?! What?! We were supposed to meet! When did she leave?!"
- "About ten minutes ago!"
I was reeling. The kids who gave me their phone noticed it and felt sympathetic, but it didn't help. All sorts of thought raced through my mind. "She sold me out again! I won't forget this! How could she?!"
Recently I had a dubious experience, when Doris also totally disregarded our plan and instead of me spent the whole evening with another person. I am not a jealous type, but I felt foolish in front of my family for being so callously put aside. And here she was doing it again!
I decided to go to the meeting by myself. On the road I was entertaining some ideas of how I will freeze Doris out when I see her. What would I say? How could she treat me like that?!
It was hard to find the place of the meeting. I could hardly see any street names in the dark. Finally, I made it to the church where the meeting was going to take place. I parked and came out of the car, carrying a bag with a cake (potluck, remember?). Somebody was shouting something to me from a vehicle on the street. Upon doing some squinting, I realized that, it was another woman from our group. Doris was sitting next to her! I knew that they would come together! I looked at them coldly; at least, I hope that that's what my face showed.
- "She was taking a shower and told her children to ask you to wait, but they mixed it all up!" - the lady was explaining for Doris. Doris gazed at me with tortured look on her face.
- "I did, I told them to ask you to wait! What did they say?" - she whined.
There was no point to discuss it any further. She didn't ditch me on purpose, but she also didn't apologize for her mistake yet.
I just said: "Doris, I'd like to strangle you!" I hope, it sounded like a joke, because the other woman looked at me in alarm.
Like I said in the beginning, the evening was fun and informative. Atmosphere between Doris and me was tense and strange, though! All my previous experiences with the supposed friends' betrayal crushed my spirit, released from my memory by Doris' mistake. I know, I should, but how do you forget something like that? I don't mean Doris.
How can I look for those "balcony people" that Mr. P. keeps talking about? It will just end the same way, like all those other times, when I gave my all to a relationship, and another person dropped me like a bag of garbage! Boy, I sound like a disgruntled lover!
Anyhow, the road to recovery seems to have taken a large loop around the swamp of resentful feelings. Well, how would you go about believing in yourself when such things keep interfering?