LET GO AND LET GOD

     Everything is going as usual here. Chickie stopped getting his customary treat of milk every morning, because the vet told us that it's bad for cats. I felt sorry for him and, time to time, snuck a dollop of cream into his bowl, until I realized that, everyone else is doing it too! What can you do?!

     On Wednesdays we usually have a family night. We are suppose to eat a dinner together and some special treat. What really happens is that, Taka comes home early, takes a shower, then does everything to avoid coming to dinner on time. As a result, we eat late and when it's time to have a desert, we are still full and cranky. Some family night, huh?
     I went to Al Anon meetings a few times before. Unfortunately, they also are on Wednesday nights, and I had to stop going there. With Reina's class (until 7 pm) and the family nights, I felt that, there was no way I can make it to Al Anon. 
     The things that I learned at Al Anon meetings and reading their literature really helped my emotional recovery and growth. Right now I feel that, I am spinning wheels: wanting to do better with my will power necessary for the weight loss, with the relationships with Taka and the children, - and failing in every one of those aspects. I need a bigger influence, an influence of Higher Power, but lack understanding, as to how to get it! 
     Mr. P. keeps urging me to go to Al Anon meetings. Every week I want to tell my family that, we should have a family night on the weekend, so I can go to Al Anon on Wednesdays instead. Every Wednesday something happens (like Sonny borrowing the car and bringing it back too late for me to go). 

Yes, she even wears those things to a
tire store!

     Last Wednesday, I gathered all my courage and told everyone that, I was going to the meeting. I made dinner, got ready and then saw Roberta standing with her walker at a ready by the door, dressed and accessorized ( she must wear her earrings and a brooch or a necklace matching her clothes, as well as her lipstick every time she leaves home!). I guess, she was going too!
     Our group meets in a Burger King restaurant in Alameda. I know, - it's unconventional, but conventions just don't measure up when you compare them to the benefits of working with other adults on one's emotional recovery! 
     A few people already gathered around a couple of tables which they put together by the time we got there. The meeting went on, as we read and discussed the literature and our personal experiences. I glanced at Roberta a few times, checking if she was alright or getting tired, but she sat there, a lively smile playing on her face or pursing her lips in concentration. 
     What did I gain that day? One young, -THIN, - beautiful, -organized,  - with a great job - lady shared how she feels that she is "Not good enough" - to be loved or to attempt achieving better things in life. She said that, one of the Al Anon's slogans: "Let go and let God" - really helps her to overcome difficulties.
     I thought: "If someone like her feels inadequate, then I should not think that, being fat, - old, - scatterbrained is a real reason or an excuse for me to avoid attempting to find friends, losing weight or making my family relationships better. Real reasons lie deep in my emotional baggage!". 
     Further reading and discussion unearthed a couple more gems: "I can only do my best. Being worried doesn't help!". 
"I don't have power to ruin God's plans. God is awake."

     We all got so inspired that we started to clap at something that we especially liked in people's sharing. I rarely felt this kind of hope even at the church meetings!
     When the meeting was over, we all continued to sit around the Burger King tables, unwilling to leave the beautiful atmosphere of support and hope. Someone asked Roberta a question about herself. "Oh boy," - I thought - "she is going to start lying again about her being a Native American!" I really didn't want to be brought down by knowing that, Roberta's tales weren't true.
     Roberta simply glowed with her own positivity. She didn't go into the whole Indian thing but just told us about her childhood in the post-Depression era. This was the most genuine that I've ever seen her to behave! 
     On the way home she shared that, she misunderstood, what Al Anon meetings were like. She felt that, she could find strength, listening to the others describe their troubles and victories, because it was hard to do what's right when it came, for example, to her relationship with Park! 
     She is too old to be influenced by me. In her long life she saw and heard everything there is to see or hear and she made up her mind about most things. God, on the other hand, can help her change, through the things she will hear and realize at Al Anon.