Where are you, my God? Am I not sincere enough? Do you expect something more from me? I am trying to adjust to an idea that, God's Grace alone is going to save me, but then - where does my responsibility come in? Looking at the world and the testimonies of successful people in it, we know: their determination and effort were the deciding factors, although, without some degree of luck or God's Providence playing role, they might've not succeeded. And then there are those, who worked hard their whole lives and never gave up, but achieved zilch!
What is it that we really need? Sure, being rich or just comfortable is nice. Being happy is even better! Did you see the film The Pursuit of Happyness? For that man getting a desired job, money and security that came with it was happiness! There is no question: with riches come opportunities not only for oneself but also for the family, and that makes for happier lives.
I worked in a small theater in Soviet Russia, when I was twenty. We had nothing! At least, I lived with my parents who provided a warm apartment and food. They told me, unless I quit the theater, I could not eat their food. They were only looking out for me: the troupe was not accepted by the government and, therefore, had no steady income or prospects for the future. I came home (when I had to) late at night and, out of pride, ate only some snacks. Sometimes we got paid, when the overseeing agency decided that, they needed to make a gesture of good will toward us. Then we bought bread and butter and made sandwiches for everybody. We drank a lot of tea, talked through the nights and were tremendously happy with our lives.
Or were we? I was a lowly assistant, who always felt inadequate among the talented actors. I also often felt insecure, since I was expendable, and they weren't! I thought, spending all my time in pursuit of art and in support of it was the highest calling and the greatest pleasure one could have, but I was not happy. In fact, it was just the time in my life, when I played with an idea of suicide...
So, what was missing? For the longest time I thought, it was God. Yes, I was rescued from my despair by Heavenly Love. It came to me the first time I prayed. God was just there, leading and waiting for me to take a step toward Him. Still, in between amazing experiences with God's Grace, I was miserable. I needed people! A partner would've been very nice too, but I settled for some friends, when they came.
This time, for a number of years, I had no feelings of inferiority. I lived oblivious to the reality of life, and, on the other hand, when I looked that reality right in my face in regards to my marriage and some very depressing church events (I was a missionary for the Unification Church), I understood how stupid I was!
I was not happy. I was miserable with my husband and, to a great degree, with my own childish personality. I am 55 now. Age brought some benefits: wisdom to know, I needed something more to feel satisfied.
What was that? I thought, I had to be more humble and serving, but couldn't do it. The baggage of my psyche made me lag behind in my own expectations. My husband seemed like a tyrant, but I didn't know, I could do something about it.
Now my prayers and hopes are to learn to rely on my Higher Power. I didn't cause the roots of my emotional and spiritual sickness, I can't remove them and I can't cure the sickness. God can. Together with me? I think so. Otherwise, what's the point of me going to see Mr. P. and attempting to change the way I look at the world?
How are you, my readers, doing? I know, how discouraging life is. Like the song says: "We are but a moment's sunlight fading on the grass"... But this is the only life that we have! Happiness is... Happiness is in togetherness! Be it a family or a greater community and your work and connections there - that's where the happiness will reside. We need to find it with the help of our Higher Powers. Amen?