Friday, March 28, 2014


     An attitude of gratitude... What is it? I am not a bad person, I know that. I love people and am idealistic. I live under a pall of misery, though, as if not sure why I am unhappy and what to do about it. 
     I desire to be humble and serving, but I love spotlight and praise. I want to be close to people, but, either because of my inability to be genuine or life's circumstances, can not get really close to anyone. 
     What's the key to such contradiction? Mr. P. says, it's being not co-dependent. Not basing my expectations or self-esteem on the opinion or behavior of others. But how to achieve that without becoming inconsiderate or brash? 
     Is the attitude of gratitude an answer? To see life's challenges, including challenging people, our family being the worst of them, as opportunities to grow self-awareness and esteem
     God loves us for us, despite our faults. Also - despite us not loving ourselves or making mistakes. I heard somewhere that, to sin means to "miss the mark". What's the implication of it? We see ourselves as unworthy, evil beings because of what we do or don't do. God sees us as His/Her children on the way to bright and beautiful future. 
     Today Mr. P. said that, Taka, my husband, is a blessing. God is forcing, extruding Dina through all of Taka's roughness and insensitivity to take my true form, like (Mr. P.'s analogy) a pasta machine extrudes desired shapes through it's unyielding surfaces. Am I to become a spineless, oozy blob then, or is there a pre-set design which, if I keep my self-worth and faith, will make me a worthy person?
     Taka is a blessing to me. So was my mother and a million of others against whom I struggled in life. They shape me, God shapes me through them, to be my true self. 

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