Something tells me that, there are other reasons. I need to move forward, to recover from a lifetime of confused emotions and dumb consequences. I need to recover!
"What was the high point of your week?" - asked Mr. P. I couldn't tell. I've been watching Grey's Anatomy, playing poker and doing errands for the last seven days, at least. That leaves no time and no room for creative thinking! Why, do you think, I didn't write anything all this time?!
I told Mr. P. all that. We delved deeper into the reasons, why I exist like that: by inertia, not trying to connect to people or activities which can help me feel alive. I know, why I do it, but I don't know, why I keep on doing it! Does it make any sense?
There seems to be no danger in living in a rut, except that, it always has dire consequences. But it is so easy! You just do
the same things over and over again every day of your life, without exposing yourself to a danger of new relationships or deeds that can hurt you, as you've been hurt before.
What dire consequences, you ask? How about the spiritual and physical dangers of being isolated? Loneliness? Depression and sickness that comes with it?
I admitted that, just watching TV, making meals and chauffeuring left me feeling empty. When there is an emptiness, something always rushes in to feel it. It can be inappropriate relationships or thoughts or mental sickness. Thanks to Mr. P. - and to a little bit of the Al Anon wisdom that I managed to grab at the meetings, - I realized that I need to pursue my recovery with a more focused mind and agenda. I need to reach out to positive, sensitive people, who will uplift me and whom I can uplift. I need to trust God more, to take my faith to the next level, where I can be more sincere and present.
We also discussed, what it means to be present in a relationship. So many times we - I - resort to indirect communication, like sarcasm or hedging, to avoid uncomfortable confrontations. The thing is: without facing our loved ones or anyone else in the world with honesty and no judgement, we can not be free in those relationships. I usually use sarcasm to let out some steam and be able to "ha-ha" my way out of the conversation, if a person gets offended. Do you know that, in Latin "sarcasm" means flaying a person? Remark after remark in that fashion can undermine the closeness and stability of our connections to each other!
So, BEING PRESENT means being honest and open about your needs and feelings with the people around you. "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it meanly!" This should be my motto for every day of my life!