Mr. P. and I talked at length yesterday. It was about, what I want more from life and my marriage and what I want less of. Things are getting a bit better all the time. I can't believe that, it took almost twenty five years for us to start seriously working on our relationship.
First of all, I said that I wanted less drama. OK, money is important for our survival, but what's the use of having money if we kill each other and our marriage in the process of keeping it? I said that I need to:
1. Be more careful with my spending (it'll be easier with me - on a diet of shakes and bars, with no cafe lunches);
2. Insist stronger on Taka to respect me and view me as an equal;
3. Make an effort to become closer to him, to show him that I am not rejecting him as a person or a husband, but only want to be treated fairly and kindly.
Kindly is a key word. Now we have more like a work relationship. He is the boss and I am the employee, that gets scolded and threatened time to time when she doesn't perform in a satisfactory manner. But even in a work environment it's important to be fair and kind. We, on the other hand, are a union of people dedicated to each other and our family. There is no firing from or leaving this job! At least - not in an offhand, business-like manner that would be appropriate at work! Taka is the closest person to me, closer than my own parents were. Yet we treat each other as inconvenient problems, sometimes.
I often catch myself wondering, what it'd be like, if he is gone. I don't know: because of an accident, or if he, finally, had enough. How would I take it? Will I grieve or just have some conscience pangs, but, mainly, feel relieved? How will we, kids and I, survive?
I know that he thinks of that too. Taka is a very pedantic individual. He tries to control every situation and the outcome of it.
I remember one fight with him, when he looked at me with hatred and squeezed out in a whisper: "Disappear! Why don't you disappear?!" Does he still feel that way?
Life didn't turn out the way either of us thought or dreamed. Partially, it was my fault. It's hard to love someone if you dislike the way that they deal with you! This is my chance to repair the damage my hurt indifference has done to our relationship. It's a chance for recovery!