Last night I went to the Al Anon meeting. As usual, I had misgivings, whether I belong there, whether I go just to hear myself talk. Nevertheless, I met with a couple of other ladies and we drove to Alameda.
Many people attended. The topic was the Second Tradition of Al Anon. I didn't study yet the steps and traditions, so I will just tell you what I understood. The Second Tradition is to do with the fact that, there is only one authority - God - and He/She may express themselves through a group consciousness. Some people shared, but the topic was such an easily accepted fact that, most of us had nothing to say.
Then one young man shared his struggles to maintain faith in the face of life's challenges. I sat next to him, and something just clicked in my heart. Sentences began to form with lightening speed, I could hardly wait to get them out, but still hesitated to say the words. What if I was being vain? What if I just assumed that I understood a little portion of truth, when so many times before I missed the mark completely? It took just a moment for that whole thought process to occur, but at that same moment someone else volunteered to talk! I felt relieved, kind of, but then I thought: "What if those thoughts that I almost expressed were for someone else's benefit? What if they can find a grain of truth or confidence from my ramblings?"
I guess, my inner struggle was visible to others. At that time, Mr. P. queried: "Dina do you have something to say?" Well, I didn't expect that at all! "Yes!" - I blurted!
"When I just began to believe in God and find out about religious life and Christianity, I had a chance to talk to someone about Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. He asked his Heavenly Father to "let this cup pass...", remember? I offered an idea that, perhaps, Jesus was, in part, talking to his own conscience! Maybe, that was the moment when he himself had to decide whether to give up his life for the sake of God's Will or not. I was gently dissuaded from that idea then, but since coming to Al Anon and hearing the concept of 'my Higher Power', I think that I was right. In times of crises and indecision, we find the Higher Power not only in God, but also in ourselves. It's our conscience, our soul. We find and bare it and ask it to guide us in the right direction."
I saw people around the table listen intently but, later, I began to wonder again, whether I overstepped some bounds, was too wordy and smug in my revelation. I began to imagine that young man next to me looked annoyed.
I have no idea if I'm right. Should I have kept it inside? According to my own decision to try to curb my words-diarrhea, yes, I should've. And then there is a small chance that I needed to talk. That is just a time for MY HIGHER POWER to lead me to a correct answer. Please!