What happened was, I went to see Mr. P., my therapist (or a counsel). I've been meeting with him for half a year, and in that time, my life changed in ways that I wouldn't have believed before. I mean, I was already on a path to a better life, since I began to write this blog and get encouragement from all my wonderful readers, as well as taking steps, for once, to improve my health and mental stability. No, I wasn't crazy, but my life was burdened by difficult relationships and bad health. I tried therapy with a lady with a degree and an office and office hours. She gave me some support, but in a year of seeing her I hardly understood anything yet of the real reasons for my problems and how to eradicate them.
Fortunately for me, my insurance changed, which meant that I couldn't continue with the same therapist. I tried Kaiser, but they only were going to let me be in group therapy. My friends, meanwhile, were telling me of this Mr. P. guy, who transformed their lives. I resisted, but he called me and said that he'd give me a free session to decide if it was worth my time to see him.
It was, kind of, weird: he wanted to meet with me at a diner! Well, I've seen weirder things in my life, so I agreed. At that time I had a lot of problems with Park, whose character and demeanor were that of a spoiled five year old girl. I told Mr. P. about that. He gave me some advice, which, when I used it, immediately brought great results. I was hooked!
Mr. P. has no office. He doesn't drive car. He puts thirty lbs. of books and other stuff in saddle bags on his bicycle and rides it to meet clients in a library or in different cafes around our area. I didn't question him too much about it: my philosophy is that it's always better to do something (even when it looks strange to others) than to sit on one's behind, doing nothing. Mr. P. also is an author of numerous books and a blog titled: An Attitude of Gratitude (An Answer to Despair Rampant in Society), as well as a frequent motivational speaker.
So, since the start of my being Mr. P.'s client, he gave me a lot of the invaluable advice in dealing with my husband, Taka and children. Sometimes, I was stubborn or Mr. P. showed his Latin temper (he is Mexican), but, like I said in the beginning, my life and relationships changed in ways that I wouldn't have ever believed.
For one, I used non-violent communication techniques to talk to Taka, and he responded wonderfully, changing things that made our marriage difficult. There are still things that we need to work on, but our day to day communication and attitude towards each other improved dramatically. Hanah, my college age daughter, also reacted miraculously well to some requests that I made in a manner prescribed by Mr. P., so - it's like day and night in comparison to her earlier behavior. Park, who, unfortunately, continues to be a problem, tries not to get into face to face battles with me, because he is obviously intimidated by calm, straight and strong stance that I take with him.
So, this is whom I went to see today, Mr. P.
He always gives me homework to do. Last time it was:
1. Requesting three of my friends to be my support in dieting. The idea is that, I would call them in the morning and say that I am still doing it and in the evening to report, how well I stuck to the diet.
2. Increasing the number of exercise days.
3. Make Tuesday and Saturday days when I can cheat a little bit on the diet. Keep strong on other days.
I could only manage adding one more day of exercise to my routine. Calling my friends and imposing on them seemed impossible and embarrassing. As for cheating a little on two days of the week, - it turned into cheating a t-i-i-i-n-y bit on all of them!
Mr. P. looked me in the eye today and asked: "So, what do you think are the reasons why you can't follow your diet?"
I was coming to this realization for a while now. It is time to admit it: I am addicted to food. I have a food habit. To make sure, we all have to eat, of course, but because of my sedentary way of life and overeating, I brought myself to a terrible shape. And since the start of the Weight Management Program, it became very clear: I am not able to stop harmful habits. I have enough nourishment with nutrition shakes and bars to not be hungry at all, but something bigger than me makes me reach out for and hysterically crave usual foods!
The first step to recovery in AA and Al Anon is to admit that I have an addiction which I am powerless to control and my life became unmanageable because of this. So, I say it now: I have an addiction to overeating, which I am powerless to control, and my life became unmanageable because of this. It was very hard to say it and believe it at first. Thank God for Al Anon meetings that brought me to this realization!
So, I admit that on my own I can't deal successfully with overeating. The next step is to believe that my Higher Power, Heavenly God and my conscience, can help me. The third - to turn my will and life over to the will of God.
I admitted that I am powerless about my addiction. My, more than thirty years' nurtured, conditioning, though, is that I need to make an all-out-effort to overcome difficulties, and God might step in then. It's still very hard for me to say that I will not be able to make that effort; not enough to stop cheating on the diet and not enough to keep the weight off, when I lose it. What is that thin line between trust in God and weakness of spirit?
What I did was, I prayed. I prayed as I was driving home from my appointment with Mr. P. I asked Heavenly Father and Mother and Jesus to come into my life and help me deal with overeating and other harmful habits. I am constantly checking myself for signs of spiritual bravado. I need to be sincere. If you think that I should not talk about this until I get some results, - too bad. I can't get results. I will get them only with the help of my Higher Power. Please, if you pray, also pray for me, or just keep me in your thoughts. God bless!