You might think: "There she goes again! Always so chatty and excited in the beginning of some undertaking and then depressed and whining at the end.." You might be right!
Although I am a slave to my addiction, and it makes me feel guilty and hopeless, I am also a child of God, whose Will it is for me to live a healthy, happy, fulfilled life.
" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [she] is a new creation.[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
(II Cor. 5:17)
"“This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds, then he adds, “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more"."
God loves us unconditionally. Whether we are heroes or saints or the devil incarnate, God loves us. Long ago I understood the fundamental difference between God and Satan: even if you do evil, Satan still wants to destroy you. On the other hand, even if you go against God, He still wants to save you. When we pray to do God's will, He will always make it happen.
I accepted Jesus into my life, although for many years I allowed myself be destructed by a false ideology. It moves me to tears to think of being a "new creation", free from the failures of the past and the "feculent" (Mr. P.'s expression) influence of negative people.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
(I John 1:9)
So, that's the plan then! I will gather my strength and "gird my loins" (oh, dear God, not that picture in my mind!). I will repent to Heavenly Father of being weak and rebellious and receive His Grace of forgiveness and cleansing "from all unrighteousness". I will start over.