I had to go there alone, since Taka didn't yet get his Green Card, a permit to stay in the U.S. legally. He wasn't allowed to leave the country.
How much fun was going to a wedding without my groom? About as much as a poke in the eye!
|Right after we were matched|
On the Blessing day, jan. 12, 1989, I stood in line with other couples. Instead of Taka being next to me, I held in my hands his photo. We were all dressed almost alike: girls - in conservative white wedding dresses, and men - in black suits with white shirts and ties. All of us had white gloves on.
We waited by the factory's hall, in a stiff Korean winter's breeze, to be ushered in. After about two hours and all of us turning pretty blue color, the signal was given to go inside. As I approached the door, feeling like a mourner (the picture in my hands), a couple of Korean women standing by the doors, put their hands on my back and hurled me in, like a sack of potatoes. That's the Koreans for you! Be it as it may, the holy mood shattered at that moment. Didn't they understand, this was the most important day in my life? For them I was just a sack, to be pushed and bullied, as they wanted.
I don't think, I ever felt after that the same about the church and the True Parents, as we called Rev.and Mrs. Moon. There were many "negative" thoughts and doubts in my mind in regards to Rev. Moon's teachings and behavior, for which I constantly had to repent and scold myself.
Finally, I understood: all of those things that we did: the ceremonies, the church activities, the money raising, were just for the sake of the Moon family and their aggrandizement.
Today is our wedding or, as they say in the Unification Church, Blessing anniversary. Since two years ago, I made a break with that organization, but it couldn't be a clean break. My husband, although, mostly focused on making money for our family, still insists that, I go to church and do some church rites. I told the kids exactly, how I feel, and said: as far as I am concerned, they can follow their own minds and hearts. Taka doesn't want to accept that. He thinks, my thinking is unimportant, and I should just follow the Unification Church teachings and precepts, even though I am indifferent to them.
On the other hand, all except a couple of my acquaintances are from that church. I still am unwilling to lose the connection with them, regardless of the coldness I sense there.
Next Saturday we are going to meet the couples, who were married on the same day as us, for dinner and fellowship. I know, how it will be: we will all wear insincere smiles, I'll feel empty inside.
Why go, you ask? I ask myself the same question.