Hello, hello, hello!
Missed me? I missed you! Just didn't have anything to report...
Or did I?
On the twelfth was our wedding anniversary. I wrote about the background for that. Now, I didn't write, what happened on the twelfth.
Taka avoids bringing me gifts, like death itself. For the first ten years or so I pouted and nagged him about it, but then - gave up. Once he came home with flowers on the Valentine's Day (almost made me swoon from surprise). Then I found out, the company, where he worked, gave these flowers to the employees, and he didn't even have a good sense to present them to me from his heart.
But - no means no, - no? I mean, you can bring the horse to water...
I decided, on the basis of my new emotional strength, to make a small celebration myself, to let Taka know, I appreciate being married to him and all his efforts for the family. On Monday, the twelfth, I got Sonny to go buy a cake and some Martinelli cider. I made dinner and we awaited Taka "with bated breath".
When he came in the door, I called out to him: "Happy Anniversary!". He mumbled: "Whah? Is it today?" - and kept on shuffling to his office.
"S-o-n-n-y, get the cups for the Martinelli! Plates, utensils, cake!!!"
Everything was on the table by the time Taka walked up to it. We heard more mumbling: "Your mother likes to do strange things..." He left again. Fighting apprehension, I doled out cake for Roberta and Sonny.
He came back in a while. Silently made himself a cup of coffee, without looking me in the eyes sat at the table. I announced a toast in celebration of the twenty sixth year of our marriage. Taka hardly deigned to lift his cup.
To say, I was utterly crushed and humiliated, is not enough. I felt threatened. Taka showed me - in front of our son and Roberta - that he didn't consider that date worthy of celebration. In contrast to my trying to convey appreciation for his presence in my life, he exuded derision. Is he preparing for a separation?!
I knew, I should talk, confront him, but didn't have the guts.
Today, when I told Mr. P. about it, he tutored me on how to approach the conversation with Taka.
- "You have a terrible habit of just gathering knowledge in your head, but never acting on it." - he said. He is right.
I was reminded of Jesus' words in the Gospel from Matthew, 7:24-27:
“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
I learned so much in this year of Mr. P.'s counseling, but, foolish woman that I am, I squandered my chance at making another step towards normalizing the relationship with Taka. Its so much more restful to co-exist in the family, like we are a boss and an employee, than to risk it all for a confrontation.
Mr. P. kept reminding me that, Taka also is a smart, sensitive man. Its irrelevant, how he'll respond to my words: the tuning fork of his conscience will catch their meaning and, despite what he'll show outwardly, he'll hear me.
Today,as Taka was finishing his dinner, I sat down opposite of him and said: I need your help with something..."
I reminded him of my attempt to celebrate our anniversary. I said, I might've misjudged him, - "and, if so, please forgive me". I asked, why he was so cold, leaving me feeling scared and humiliated.
Taka gave me some BS about being too full to enjoy cake, etc. I went on to say that, "if its possible, please, next time be more appreciative and sensitive."
He made do, like a monkey playing cymbals.
I knew, this time I did what I had to do, and so I left him to digest my dinner and the words.
Praise be to God, He is great!