Making amends is difficult. We spend most of our lives building up, or so we think, our self esteem and defending it.
When I was in Africa, one of my most unfortunate impressions was that of the bathroom situation there. I will not gross you out by describing every one of those places. The worst of them will be sufficient! Those of you with weak nerves and stomachs might want to stop reading now.
The owner of a motel in a small city in Central African Republic did us a favor and allowed us to stay there for free, so I really couldn't and shouldn't complain. I will only use the following as an illustration.
In a small bathroom, in the corner, some animal made a nest. The material used was brown and shiny and, yes, strongly reminded me of the stuff that should go into the toilet bowl. Nevertheless, it was well made; the opening of the nest was large, and I fervently wished to avoid meeting it's inhabitant.
It was life: for protection some creature had to make walls around itself. Perhaps, it counted on the feces to repulse any attempt on it's life.
We get hurt. Right or wrong, we learn to protect ourselves by any means possible. It becomes an instinct and, if we are not careful, self-preservation turns into aggression and meanness. They are the walls, with which we try to defend ourselves, but the feculent nature of those walls makes us repulsive to others.
It is childish to defend my wrong decisions and actions. I want to be treated as an adult, but to become an adult, I need to take responsibility for what I do.
For more than thirty years one of my misdeeds weighs on my mind. On one of the most important days of her life, I hurt my friend - just because I felt, she was moving on, leaving me behind. Its time to make amends.