Wednesday, May 29, 2013
The perky Barby nurse said: "Here, put the end to your belly button" It took me a moment to find my belly button - it was located some inches below the place where it was twenty years ago. The nurse measured my girth by turning me and winding the tape around my middle. She recorded my weight and blood pressure, asked a few questions and left, promising that the doctor will be with me shortly. I told myself: "I lost 14 lbs! What a nice surprise!", but my conscience said: "You weigh 284 lbs. Your girth is 154 centimeters (it could've been inches) You are easier to jump over then to walk around. How could this happen?" It happened very fast and also not. I had to see it coming, from thirty years ago, when someone warned me against getting a second helping at dinner. I should've taken it seriously when my husband's only question at the close of the Lamaze class was: "When can she start a diet after having a baby?" Sure, he was a monumental jerk, who didn't give a damn about me, but I was also too wrapped up in my own fuzzy, selfish oblivion to hear the alarms which were going off all around me. First, I could only buy clothes at the large sizes' stores, then even some of them didn't carry my size. Then the health issues arose that gave my life a decidedly low, physical focus. The eating became a drug, almost the only fun I could have. The exercising was not a part of my mindset. Watching TV and eating - that was where my mind was.
How could this happen? I used to think about spiritual matters; I prayed, fasted, gave of myself for the world and my church work. Now it seems, and I think, I'M RIGHT, that I was completely sincere only at the very beginning of my life in the Unification Movement. Very soon I started to look for the ways to escape the monotony of hard work and spiritual discipline, even though those things made me feel really alive. I never had any doubt in my mind that I should continue doing the church work, but I also didn't have the will power or control over my own habits, to do things consistently.
Now I ask myself a question, may be I was not fully dedicated because all along I knew that it was all a hoax, that I and other church members were being driven to bring money and popularity to Rev. Moon just for the sake of Rev. Moon and his family? I'm still not certain that it was a hoax, though. What if I'm wrong? Thirty years of my life and everything I am right now: the wife, the mother; all my future efforts for the sake of MY family, like finding spouses for my children and raising the grandchildren, are intertwined with that Church.
But back to my girth. What am I keeping there? Am I protecting my own idleness? My idealism? My unsubstantiated dreams? Are they all in there? And if so, what am I going to do about it? From my experience, I know that nothing moves me to change my habits, even the threat of death.
There's another aspect to it all. I get really inspired, but peak quickly and then just feel that I want it to be over, so I can go watch TV. Am I that jaded? Is there something wrong with me?
One thing is certain: I need help.
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