THE ITCHINESS

     Itchiness...
     Its bad enough to have an itch that doesn't go away, but to feel it in your heart is even worse.   
    What do I mean?
     You know, you have to be feeling and doing better. For a while, its possible to convince yourself that, you are OK, you are doing all that you can, but the reality pushes her ugly mug into your face, and its impossible to ignore it any longer...
     "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" Paul,  the former accuser and executioner of the Christians; the convert Paul, the driven man, whose whole life became a sacrifice, wrote these words. He still didn't feel, like he was doing enough to count himself worthy of Christ. Perhaps, because he had to constantly compare himself to the apostles, who lived and walked with Christ? Did they feel more comfortable in their skin, remembering Jesus, as he was: one of their own, but, suddenly, - the Master and the Messiah?
     My point is, if someone like Paul wrote those words, how much more justified I am to be tortured by my lack of the willpower and merit?
     "Who will deliver me from this body of death?"
     Heavenly Father, I can no longer abide my weak, faulty character! Outwardly, I am doing, what's required of me, but inside I am crumbling to dust, from which there is no return. Heavenly Father, I need help to ... to lose my passivity.
     I did not cause the way I was brought up. I am, as a human adult, responsible, of course, for my actions, but some things are too deeply rooted for us to be able to get rid of them on our own. I can't completely cure the warping of my personality, which came from my parents' ignorance and their warped personalities! And, by now, I understand: I can't control it. I need help, and it has to come from "THE" Higher Power infusing my own little life with His love and Will. I am expecting and obedient to it, but the uneasy feeling, like I am not doing enough, persists, like an itch, which does not go away.