"We're going to see the wizard, the wonderful ..."
I'm going to see Mr. P. My emotional makeup, unfortunately, is not very eager and optimistic, unlike that of Dorothy and her friends, so no matter, how necessary this it for my well being, I have to push myself to go to that appointment.
Sometimes I think, I need an old-fashioned army sergeant to follow me and at every step scream in my ear to do, what's right!
When, after immeasurable suffering and sacrifice, the Israelites left Egypt and their task masters behind them, it took just a little while until they began to lag and whine about going back. I guess, it's a part of a human nature to become complacent, and only happy few of us are endowed with the indomitable will power, moving them toward the goal.
I fall apart gratefully, as soon as some big or small crisis is over, and obliviously rest on my laurels, until suddenly it becomes apparent that, I failed to anticipate or prevent another crisis, and it's now upon me.
Since I've been like that my whole life, I'd like to assume, that's how God made me. I mean, some people are wise, and some, like moi, well,...
I'm continuing this post after the appointment with Mr. P., during which we addressed my tendency to sabotage my life and well being. Mr. P.'s focus was not of judging me, but on recovery.
He reminded me about the pressure my well meaning, but broken, mother put on me, while I was growing up. Today I had an insight, that I procrastinate not really in order to "stick it" to her, but out of habit that eventually, despite her anger, she'd take care of a problem! You see, I had two parents, and my dad's way to deal with mom's constant criticism, as hard working and responsible as dad was, was to escape to play chess or spend time with his friends. I learned my behavior from mom and from him.
"Let's be gentle to little Dinochka (dear Dina)", - Mr. P. intoned. He wanted me to work on processing without judgement, what happened during my formative years. "What positive things can you say about yourself now?"
For most of the session I couldn't really get into what he was telling me. I'm more used to condemning myself for all the failures of my character, than praising it. My counselor didn't give up. He reminded me: I was able to defend myself against mom's and Taka's attacks and get better in facing my husband in a positive way.
"It's a miracle that you have your sense of integrity and are so kind, - and I attribute it to your strong character!"
I'll have to get used to avoiding crippling self-judgement in order to receive these things about myself! What finally helped me focus better on accepting them was the reminder that, Jesus, who grew up as almost an outcast in his own family (Mary getting pregnant before her marriage to Joseph was not an easy thing to hide in a small Jewish community), he already paid for my mistakes with his innocent blood!
He took all the accusation directed at man-and- woman-kind and wiped clean our slate. So why don't I and all of us just accept it as a gift and go on with our lives, paying forward to each other that terrific endowment!
All these days as I prayed to God for forgiveness and to make me a better person, He was telling me, He already took care of His end of the deal, and it's up to me now to send a little happiness His way by living my life freely and gratefully!