All through this morning my heart is uneasy. I wrote about the last session with Mr. P. and some thoughts on finding real friends. He rightly suggests, this could make a great difference in my outlook on life and happiness.
I spoke of some of my insecurities, though, and some problems, I have with Mr. P. himself. One of them is, when he gets to talking, sometimes its difficult for me find a chance to express myself. I could be mistaken and, perhaps, need to listen to him more carefully. In his comments to my last post, Mr. P. criticized me for "projecting my insecurities and thoughts" onto our conversations and people, who otherwise could become my friends.
He quoted someone before, who said, we need to develop thick skin and soft heart instead having thin skin and hard heart. I agree with it. That could be, what Mr. P. is talking about. Unfortunately, I also feel hurt by his suggestion that, my former friends forsook me because I was too judgemental and cynical towards them.
If I was a perfect, stable, attractive to everyone person, I wouldn't need therapy, would I? I recognize my limitations. I remember, when I first began to feel all alone. I trusted people around me then. I became more cynical after I understood, they didn't want me and didn't need me for a friend. Now I understand, I don't need such friends either!
Its funny, Roberta's many times been on a receiving end of my criticism, but she shows herself to be a truer comrade, than others. She depends on me and my good attitude for her well-being, of course, but, I think, there is more to it than just trying to get into my good graces. Then there is Irina, a Russian illustrator, with whom we share a lot in common. Although she lives in San Francisco now, doesn't have a car or a lot of time or money to travel to meet me, we correspond by e-mail. And, of course, Tanya, another friend from Russia, who lives in Moscow. We also write each other almost every day. She is the dearest to me, but, for now, the one to whom I can tell my worries and who hears me out is Roberta. So, be it!
I apologized to Mr. P. for not showing enough appreciation to and, maybe, misunderstanding him. Still, I'd like to have a more equal relationship with him: if he can correct me, then so I should be able to do it.