I was confused. I never went to Serbia.
- "What vacation?"
- "The one when that man assaulted you?"
And there I was, gaping at him stupidly, with noise in my ears and my throat constricted. I squeezed out an answer:
- "It was in Georgia." My safety evaporated. I felt exposed and on the verge of tears. I thought, I was rid of the acute pain, which accompanied that memory, but, apparently, I wasn't.
Why was he questioning me about this? I never think about it and, therefore, avoid the familiar feelings of guilt and confusion.
Mr. P. explained to me that, only by feeling again the past pain from a devastating event in our lives, as well as processing it in an adult, mature way, we can recover from it.
Otherwise, the seeds of self-recrimination, anger or resentment will, so to speak, "stick on one's crow", preventing one from growing as a human being or forming good relationships.
And it's true: I live with a husband, with whom we only tolerate each other. I don't have good, consistent friends and can't imagine meeting them!
He asked me to put my hand on the heart, close my eyes and try to recover the feelings, which were stolen from me by my attackers so long ago: the emotional safety, self-worth, self-respect.
I tried in vain. All I felt was cold disgust with myself and my parents, who knew about what happened, but never showed any support.
I also thought, my husband has no idea about my past. He just gets - there it is again - disgusted with the weakness of my character.
The first step would be to process the event. I need to start believing, it wasn't my fault. I need to grieve for the young me and, finally, catch up with my emotional maturation, stunted by someone's animal aggression or ignorance.