PIZZA DELIVERY, ROBIN WILLIAMS AND ...

        Waiting for pizza delivery...

     I spent this day calling on different errands and checking, what's new on Facebook. It's weird: people call each other "friends" on Facebook, like they know: the other person is going to stand by them, if anything will happen, or share their losses and joys as deeply as real, live, - PRESENT IN YOUR LIFE, - people would! I often tell Sonny of the friendships I've had with my buddies in Russia, when it seemed that we couldn't live far away from each other. He just shrugs. I guess, you don't miss, what you never had...
     Hanah fell ofF the face of the world again. She doesn't answer texts or phone calls or e-mails. Busy? 
     I took Reina to Berkeley yesterday to turn in her English class application. She will go to Japan on the 25th of August and come back again in October to study. It seems like a lot of unnecessary expenditure of money and time, but - it's not up to me, and I can't really control it, - so, I help as much as I can and hope for the best.
    
 Robin Williams. What a loss! What a great comedian he was and - WHY???
     Why wasn't his great sense of humor enough to carry him through? I understand, actually: sometimes, in really bad circumstances I want to rip my head off, if my comedic self rears up. I don't want to be amused sometimes at life's little jokes at my expense! I want to feel the grief and pain and be angry. 
     Last night I went to Al Anon meeting with Roberta. We talked about feelings there, and I thought that, nobody asked me to name, what I was feeling, before Mr. P. did it. Why is it important? My whole life, specially, when I was young, I walked in a fog: no one explained to me that I had a right to my own feelings! What I experienced was something different from what, as I read in the books, people might feel in similar circumstances. I was a very confused youngster and, when I thought that I found the purpose of my life working as a missionary in the Unification Church, my feelings still didn't match, what others expected of me. In fact, my instincts were screaming at me that, I was in a wrong place, but I tried to ignore them. 
     It's important to realize and name, what we feel. We can be wrong, but at least we will be authentic about our motivations. 
     Ah, what am I saying? Who can know, what moves us and the others to take a certain step in our lives?! I learned to be cautious about getting inspired: that can lead in a totally opposite direction, than where we thought we were going! "Slow and steady" - this is my motto these days.