HOT DAY TODAY IN CALIFORNIA!

EVENTS IN PICTURES

The vet called and said that, Chickie's tests came back negative for any other organs' problems than his heart. 

                                                               

He, mostly, looks good. Yesterday he tried to jump on top of the flat TV, fell over and ran out of there like crazy (probably, from embarrassment!). He steals food and pesters me for attention.

Here Sonny and Roberta try to convince him to behave better.

Reina made some friends at her English class. They go together for picnics. 

This time they decided to play volleyball at the park, and Reina tried to pull out our ball from the closet. There are quite a few things blocking the closet door, but she is a very determined girl, although I heard some more of the Japanese grunts: "Urrgh! Rakh! Arrrgh!"

Here she is trying to avoid having her picture taken by me.

Talking about a ball: the proverbial one is now in Roberta's corner. Is she going to tell Park that, she is not going to go with him to the apartment which he rented? I hope, that doesn't happen after he goes into some expense, furnishing the apartment for her! He'll be one hundred times more mad then!

 

The little orange and white, outside kitty, whom we named Goldie (Sylvie, Goldie - do you follow the logic?) began to visit us again. This time she comes and sits right on the top of a little porch, looking into the glass door expectantly. She has a scarred, suffering face. She started to come more often than before, and I suspect that she is with kittens. 

                                                    

I put a box on the porch, with some newspapers and a towel for comfort, but she is not getting a hint yet, except to nibble at some food!

LIKE A RUSSIAN PROVERB SAYS...

     I got up in a strange mood today.
     Only after about half an hour into washing dishes and cooking breakfast, I realized that it had something to do with a dream that I had just before waking up. Something about Roberta...
     It was no use: the dream melted away, leaving behind a feeling of unease. 
     Then it came back.
     Roberta and I were playing cards. She dealt hands to both of us,

then demanded that we show our bets. After that she began to re-stock her hand again from the card deck! When I pointed out to her that, it was not the correct way to play, she pushed her cards to me, then she also pushed her bet-money at me too and left in frustration.
     Funny dream? Like a Russian proverb says: "A fairy tale is a lie, but it contains a hint: a lesson for a young man!"
     I am not young (or a man), but, I think, I guessed what my subconscious mind (or someone from "the other side") is telling me.
     Roberta since recently has to decide, whether she will go with Park to a new apartment that he rented quite far away from here. I was on her side, when she declared her unwillingness to leave the comfort of my house or familiar area and people. 
     In my dream, she deals the cards (creates her life's circumstances), then pushes the whole situation to me, like if she wanted me to be responsible for the outcome. Then she also pushes her money at me.
     She told me that, she wants to change her life insurance to make me a beneficiary instead of Park. I refused many times, saying that, she should choose her family members for it. Roberta still insists that, she hasn't been in touch with her family for the longest time and doesn't know them anymore. She adds that, if I wanted to, I could share her money with some of her relatives. 
     I find myself in a very strange position. I don't mind getting an inheritance, but feel that in this case I don't deserve it! A-a-a-n-d I am concerned, how it will look to Roberta's relatives, if she leaves her money to me instead of them. 
     
     In my dream, she pushes her money at me and leaves in frustration. I hope, it will not end up like that in real life!

GROW UP! AL ANON.

     Al Anon meeting. 

     We talked about the step 8 in recovery: 

     8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and and became willing to make amends to them.

     I thought about it, as people in our group read pages about that step and talked about it. I am still very new to Al Anon, and don't feel like I can say with confidence that I  achieved anything. So, I prayed silently for all the people whom I offended or of whom I was negligent.

     Through the ensuing sharing, one theme kept repeating: as we make a list of the people whom we hurt, we should put our own names first!

     "Aw, poor babies", - I thought sarcastically - "You hurt yourself! What is it, a pity party?"

     Then the words from the literature sank in. To make amends to others all we need to do is say: "I'm sorry, how can I make it better?" To make amends to ourselves we need to change the behavior that hurt us. 

     Here I began to feel a little shaky. Do I have strength to change? Nothing in my past tells me that, I can do it and keep on doing it. No wonder, it's a step 8! Before it come steps 1 through 7, which make a person's soul ready for change with God's help.

     More and more people in the group piped in with their opinions and reflexions on the read material. Then a couple of them began saying that, our past contains so many unrealistic ideals and expectations! Most of the relationships fall short of the stereotype. Most of us spend years and years of our lives chasing that stereotype and get frustrated from not finding it, because it doesn't exist!

     I perked up. That was right there with what I was thinking about. Our parents and the entertainment industry supply us with an unending list of unrealistic concepts, like what's beautiful and what's not, or what is appropriate in relationships and what's not (from the point of view of people who made mistakes after mistakes of their own). I am not challenging the basis of our society here. I am just saying that, we get programmed with certain rules and expectations, which are too petty and unnecessary and only make us spend our time on this Earth feeling inadequate and frustrated. 

     My mother used to tell me, for example: "Dina, that is not beautiful!" - for any reason, starting from me standing up for myself to slurping noodles! That's one of the Russian phrases that my daughter remembers too, because her grandmother said it to her many, many times! We keep these small irritants in our minds and let them sting us every instance when we go against them. My mother is right there next to me, when I do something opposite from what she taught me! 

     Petty, false expectations, accusations and concepts lead to false, immature lives. Learning to relax, let go and let God or stand in our own power and find our own voices makes us grow up for real, no matter, how old we might be!
     As I re-read this post, I realized that, it sounds as though I am promoting unorthodox behavior and anarchy. That is not my meaning. I want to say that, our parents lived with their own emotional baggage and mistakes. They imparted their "wisdom" and example on us through countless admonishments. Besides this, we are also very good at making and hanging on to false assumptions, which lead us to a lot of trouble. It's time to be real and let go of the falsehood!

     

PALPITATIONS

     The next day found us feverishly cleaning up before the pastor's visit. Besides the questions of whether he will want to have something sweet with his tea (he is British and will, obviously, want tea!) or will he be so disgusted with the mess in my house that he'll turn around and leave immediately, the questions that bothered Roberta and myself the most were: "Will he be sympathetic to her or will he take Park's side and "the party line", insisting that, she must follow her husband wherever he goes (even though, Park is not really Robert's legal husband, and there is a doubt that they had a church wedding too!)?" 
     I dislike that pastor. He made me feel small in the past, ignoring me completely, when we met at the church. He also ignored me while my dad had an operation, even though he said at the church service that he went to the hospital, couldn't find me and comforted some family in the lobby. I was also in the lobby, in the meanwhile, praying and crying. There was no way he could miss me, if he really was there! When my father was dying, the pastor came and prayed with us. He spent some time in the room, but left soon after Taka, and so I was all alone with my grief again.
     So, you see, how I was a little apprehensive, waiting for that man to come to judge Roberta's situation. I told her to call him to gain his support, but to her his words will indicate, what God's will is concerning her and Park's future.
     By the time the pastor came, I relaxed about the house. Sonny washed the floors in the kitchen and the dinette, the dishes were done, the living room - tidied up. It was not sterile, but - acceptable!

Rev. Thompson

     I made an apple cake, the Charlotte, and served it to Rev. Thompson, when he sat down at the table to listen to Roberta.
     She told him, what her problem was. Park, her common law husband, who doesn't live with her at my house because he has a problem with me and with me getting paid for taking care of Roberta, - that Park, - found an apartment now and wants her to move there with him. The place is far away from everyone whom Roberta knows. He wants her to teach English to make additional money and - he wants her to pay part of the rent, of course! She is 81, doesn't want to work anymore, especially, if it means to be in danger of losing her allowance from the government. She is quite comfortable in her small room, which also has a bathroom next to it. She pays us a very reasonable amount, considering that, we also get money from the government for taking care of her. It makes no sense for her to leave!
     Rev. Thompson, Kevin (I know him for about thirty years) asked me then, why Park didn't live with us. I didn't mince words and told him the exact truth. His next question to Roberta was: "Do you want to spend all eternity with Dr. Park, as your spouse?"
     I stopped what I was doing and just looked at him. Is he trying to browbeat her into reuniting with Park? We knew that, some Japanese ladies in our church felt very strongly, that she should do that. Kevin's wife is also Japanese. Is he buckling under their pressure?

Park is on the
background

      Roberta stuttered and couldn't answer. Kevin repeated his question, but added: "In the afterlife, you can't pretend: if you don't want to be with someone, you end up somewhere else. So, do you want to be with Dr. Park for eternity?"
     "No", - Roberta said - "I would want to be with my first husband!" 
     "Well, that answers your question, doesn't it?"
     He proceeded to tell us that he never trusted Park, and considers him to be an opportunist, who attached himself to our movement and Roberta to see, what he can get out of it.
     And just like that, the weight was off! Whatever else Kevin is, he's been a pastor for about thirty years now and knows how to read situations and people. 
     We talked some more, Kevin politely refused lunch, since he had another appointment, and soon left, carrying a small package of my cake with him. 
      Now the only thing left to do is for Roberta to tell Park, that she is not coming with him. I'm glad that, I am not her!
     
     

BLUES AND DEMENTIA

     Oh, well, another day - another piece of food stolen by Chickie! This time, he got into the chicken. Left half of a piece smeared all over the floor. Just wait, you old man, I'll get you!
     "Guess who came to visit me today?" - Roberta asked. I answered, with a sour face: "Dr. Park?" 
     Yes, it was he. He lived with some people that we know, but now, it turned out, he rented a room! 
     "He said: when we go to live there, I will help him earn money by teaching English. I don't want to teach, I can lose my pension doing that! I want to stay here, I am comfortable here!"
     She doesn't want to go with him. I agree: he'll eat her alive with his demands for money and unquestioning adoration. But does she have guts to tell him that she will not follow him?
     I spend a lot of time with Roberta. I don't just cook and clean for her and take her to appointments. Two or three times a day, for example, she shuffles the cards and looks at me invitingly. We play and laugh. She shuffles and deals and tries to figure the best way to use her cards. That way she uses her brain and hands and

keeps the blues and dementia away. She shares with me about her life, - lies a little, - but lately I noticed that, she became more truthful. 
     I get paid for taking care of her. I will be sorry to lose that money, but if she decides to leave - what can I do? I will be sorry to lose a pal too, because she provides an ear for my whining and remembrances and, time to time, a wise advice.
     We talked. Since she says that she doesn't want to go with Park, I said that she needs support and not just from me. She called our church pastor, and he is coming to my house tomorrow to talk to Roberta. 
                S-o-n-n-y, get up and start cleaning!!!!
     

LET GO AND LET GOD

     Everything is going as usual here. Chickie stopped getting his customary treat of milk every morning, because the vet told us that it's bad for cats. I felt sorry for him and, time to time, snuck a dollop of cream into his bowl, until I realized that, everyone else is doing it too! What can you do?!

     On Wednesdays we usually have a family night. We are suppose to eat a dinner together and some special treat. What really happens is that, Taka comes home early, takes a shower, then does everything to avoid coming to dinner on time. As a result, we eat late and when it's time to have a desert, we are still full and cranky. Some family night, huh?
     I went to Al Anon meetings a few times before. Unfortunately, they also are on Wednesday nights, and I had to stop going there. With Reina's class (until 7 pm) and the family nights, I felt that, there was no way I can make it to Al Anon. 
     The things that I learned at Al Anon meetings and reading their literature really helped my emotional recovery and growth. Right now I feel that, I am spinning wheels: wanting to do better with my will power necessary for the weight loss, with the relationships with Taka and the children, - and failing in every one of those aspects. I need a bigger influence, an influence of Higher Power, but lack understanding, as to how to get it! 
     Mr. P. keeps urging me to go to Al Anon meetings. Every week I want to tell my family that, we should have a family night on the weekend, so I can go to Al Anon on Wednesdays instead. Every Wednesday something happens (like Sonny borrowing the car and bringing it back too late for me to go). 

Yes, she even wears those things to a
tire store!

     Last Wednesday, I gathered all my courage and told everyone that, I was going to the meeting. I made dinner, got ready and then saw Roberta standing with her walker at a ready by the door, dressed and accessorized ( she must wear her earrings and a brooch or a necklace matching her clothes, as well as her lipstick every time she leaves home!). I guess, she was going too!
     Our group meets in a Burger King restaurant in Alameda. I know, - it's unconventional, but conventions just don't measure up when you compare them to the benefits of working with other adults on one's emotional recovery! 
     A few people already gathered around a couple of tables which they put together by the time we got there. The meeting went on, as we read and discussed the literature and our personal experiences. I glanced at Roberta a few times, checking if she was alright or getting tired, but she sat there, a lively smile playing on her face or pursing her lips in concentration. 
     What did I gain that day? One young, -THIN, - beautiful, -organized,  - with a great job - lady shared how she feels that she is "Not good enough" - to be loved or to attempt achieving better things in life. She said that, one of the Al Anon's slogans: "Let go and let God" - really helps her to overcome difficulties.
     I thought: "If someone like her feels inadequate, then I should not think that, being fat, - old, - scatterbrained is a real reason or an excuse for me to avoid attempting to find friends, losing weight or making my family relationships better. Real reasons lie deep in my emotional baggage!". 
     Further reading and discussion unearthed a couple more gems: "I can only do my best. Being worried doesn't help!". 
"I don't have power to ruin God's plans. God is awake."

     We all got so inspired that we started to clap at something that we especially liked in people's sharing. I rarely felt this kind of hope even at the church meetings!
     When the meeting was over, we all continued to sit around the Burger King tables, unwilling to leave the beautiful atmosphere of support and hope. Someone asked Roberta a question about herself. "Oh boy," - I thought - "she is going to start lying again about her being a Native American!" I really didn't want to be brought down by knowing that, Roberta's tales weren't true.
     Roberta simply glowed with her own positivity. She didn't go into the whole Indian thing but just told us about her childhood in the post-Depression era. This was the most genuine that I've ever seen her to behave! 
     On the way home she shared that, she misunderstood, what Al Anon meetings were like. She felt that, she could find strength, listening to the others describe their troubles and victories, because it was hard to do what's right when it came, for example, to her relationship with Park! 
     She is too old to be influenced by me. In her long life she saw and heard everything there is to see or hear and she made up her mind about most things. God, on the other hand, can help her change, through the things she will hear and realize at Al Anon.