I became quite good at it, in my, oh, not so humble opinion. My rank within the game is high. I rarely lose.
32,000 (!) games and lost most of them! Outrage!
At times like this I feel like a blind kitten, poking in the bushes. The feeling of above mentioned outrage began to slowly morph into hopelessness. Nothing I did helped. I'll have to contact my friends-opponents and start over.
Is it so bad, though? I've been praying to find strength to change my life. Lately, the usual, comfortable connections, which I have with people, whom I call friends, but who just as I struggle to maintain their fragile hold on normalcy in life, - those "friends" - gradually start letting me go. Mary, who used to invite us to play mahjong at her house or just went out with me for a bite to eat and a gabbing session, keeps putting off meeting. I don't even expect being remembered by Victoria or Doris, although, Victoria came bye the other day to visit with Roberta and me. Unless I'm wrong (and I sincerely hope, I am!), this will be the last I see of her in a long while. Why do I sound so negative? Because that's my experience with her in the twenty years that we know each other.
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Victoria and her husband |
Is it so bad, though? Maybe I need to let go of the usual, comfortable routine, which wasn't helpful for my spiritual, emotional or physical health, and start anew?
It was easy enough to do before. Mary, Victoria, Doris - we share the experience of working in the Unification Church. We suffered and struggled with the same things. Mary, Victoria and I all have Japanese husbands and again: we suffer and struggle with the same things! What do I have in common with some unknown ladies? What do they know of my life?
I guess, I'll keep on praying and learning to be a kind, authentic person. Mr. P. suggests going to a women's Bible study to the Creekside Church. I'll do that. I will find way to overcome the limitations of my health and the inertia, that keep me wishing, but don't let me get out to the new places, where I can meet people.

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