BROKEN

     When I tried to use my camera yesterday, the images that I saw through the viewer were blurry. Nothing helped to change that. We could hear small whirring noises coming from it, even when we did not push any buttons. Today, I turned it on, saw the blurriness again, tried to turn the camera off - and nothing happened! It's dead, with the zooming part still extended.

     Poor thing, I thought, we were having fun, looking at and capturing the details of life that would've been lost to our memory otherwise. Was it too much activity for my little Kodak? 

     It reminds me myself. How, you ask?

     More often than not, as soon as I start doing something to change my life for the better or to be more useful for my family and community, my body fails me. I get sick and have to stop all activity. I should take better care of myself? I try, but even that backfires. How is that fair? Wouldn't you be frustrated if all your attempts at doing the right thing came to nothing?! 

    Yes, I am frustrated and desperate. Not desperate to do something. I despair at the thought of my every step being a failure. I try to cover it up with smiles and humor, but it's there. 

     I feel like, somebody is standing behind my back and puts a stopping hand on everything that might alter the status quo. What's the use of hoping and trying?