A BRIGHT AND REAL HOPE.

Can you tell, what this is? 

I found him like that. Chickie's head got stuck in a Cheetos' bag. He tried to get it out, slid backwards from the couch, but then decided, he was OK, and just continued munching on one of his favorite snacks!

     Last night Taka and I had the most meaningful conversation in our 26 years of marriage! He came over to me (I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, since the pain in my leg makes me a very uncomfortable bed partner). It was already one in the morning, and I woke up when I heard his footsteps on the carpet. 

"Are you looking for a new church?" There, the question finally left his lips. I worried about the time, when we'd have to face the reality of me leaving the Unification Church. 

"Yes, I am." - I replied. 

He wanted to know, why I decided to change my faith after being a devotee of it for thirty two years. I told him honestly 

of  all the nagging questions and inconsistencies 

I encountered between the church's teachings and the lives of the members of the Moon family. I won't go into it here, and Taka wasn't too interested to hear about it either. 

He said, how a personality of an inventor or a scientist had little to do with the importance or significance of their discoveries. I responded: "Yes, but what they discover isn't based on the idea of them being the cornerstone of a discovery. In other words, they don't say, 

like Rev. Moon did that, 

they are the Messiah! 

So, if they or their family don't behave as the Messiah should, we don't start suspecting, if their discoveries are fake. Everything Rev. Moon said and our movement did was to convince the world in his and his clan's special standing. 

Taka was patient and calm. So was I. It was a very unusual way for us to communicate, since we always ended up yelling at each other for much less than this. Now he and I respectfully, quietly and openly revealed our thoughts to each other.

He said, what the Moon family does, doesn't bother him. He always said, he was not religious or spiritual, but in his life there were occasions, which convinced him of Rev. Moon being the Christ and of the validity of the Divine Principle (the church's teachings) as a fact of existence. He wants to focus on his role, as the head of the Toyodas and the Minskys (my side of the family). It's not a power trip. Taka is concerned about our common ancestors and  

the descendants, our children. 

You see, in the Unification Church there is a concept of "liberating" and "blessing" the ancestors from the clutches of their sin and hell by paying money for them, like the indulgences. Most of the members do that, and we too already gave a few thousand dollars. It sounds like a lot, but in Japan members are required to pay much more, perhaps, because that country is responsible for terrible atrocities against Korea, Rev. Moon's homeland, and him, personally. I know of Taka's commitment to his role, so I don't fight him about the money. 

And the children...

As the Messiah, Rev. and Mrs. Moon constituted the Blessing in marriage, which would also "liberate" members from the original sin and "engraft" them into the lineage of the True Parents (yes, Rev. and Mrs. Moon). Taka repeatedly talked about our responsibility to bless our children in marriage with other people from the church. 

I countered that, it was up to them to decide, whether they want to be married in the Unification Church or not. After a while, Taka asked me the question that bothered him most: will I go with him and the kids once a month to a Sunday Service at the UC and will I try to prevent children from marrying inside the church? I said, I will accompany my family and will support the kids in whatever they'll want to do.

I also told him, our first responsibility, in my opinion, as well as the Christianity's and even the same Unification Church's, is to accept Christ into our lives and follow Him. Everything else will be added to it. 

Taka swatted that idea away, although he didn't reject it, but I remembered Mr. P.'s words that, all of us 

have "tuning forks" in our souls, 

which resonate with the truth, when we hear it, even if we don't acknowledge it to others or ourselves. 

So, I have 

a bright and real hope now. 

Taka is a sensitive, conscientious person, and God will reach him in His time!

MOVING ON IN RECOVERY

     I felt uneasy. The cashier said that, something smelled bad, and when I asked her to repeat, she avoided answering my question. To make it even worse, I saw a woman, who stood behind me in line, make a disgusted face, and her male partner roll his eyes. 
     Did they suspect me of being the source of bad odor? I carefully sniffed around my groceries.  Yes, there was a nauseating smell, it emanated from a bag of onions, already awaiting by the turntable to be bagged! 
     Why am I writing this? How can it be important, that my onions smelled? 
     I am a large woman. To be exact, I am a short woman, but of the generous proportions. A year ago I would've just buried my suspicion that, people, in their derision of the fat humans, thought, the smell came from me. I would've buried it and it would've been another source of pain, eating at my self-confidence. 
- "You are projecting." - I imagine, would be Mr. P.'s firm verdict. 

Mr. P.

- "But!" - my self doubts make me sick, but I am unable to deny what, I think, is the truth.
- "You don't know for sure, whether people thought that you smelled. We must live in the present and avoid imagining, what might have been. Only that, of which we are sure, really matters".
     And it's true: I have no proof of the others' judgment of me. The cashier readily accepted "the onions" solution to the odor mystery and took them off my bill. The couple behind me could've been reacting to something else, like having to wait too long, while I dawdled at the register. 
     Oh, no, I dawdled for too long and made people annoyed! 
     Just kidding! 
     I absorbed a little bit of recovery through my sessions with Mr. P. and from a few Al Anon meetings. I don't let myself feel, like I'm dying of embarrassment, every time I suspect someone of judging me for my weight or accent. Some, probably, do, but their recovery is still ahead of them, so I have a tactical advantage over them! 

     "Maturity is moving from a thin skin and a hard heart to a thick skin and a soft heart" Donna Amis Davis.

     

SAVING A SOUL. I CAN'T, HE CAN, I'LL LET HIM.

Visited my counsel, Mr. P. today. Roberta didn't want to stay alone at home, so I brought her to Starbucks near Mr. P.'s house, bought her a cup of coffee and went to my session.

Remember Mr. P.'s cat? 

Recently this Precious lady went away. She suddenly wasn't feeling well, and, before anything could be done, she was gone. Poor Mr. P. deeply felt the loss, and how can one comfort someone at a time like that?

Today we talked about things that puzzle me. As I mentioned, I wonder, whether the responsibility for taking charge of myself is on me or, since I am asking the Higher Power, the God of my understanding, to take control of my life, He bares the burden. Mr. P. summarized the answer for me. Three precepts of Al Anon are (in a nutshell): "I can't, He can, I'll let Him". That doesn't mean, I fold my pretty little hands and wait for God to work for me. It entails a thorough cleansing of my heart and mind, sincere and utmost attempt to reach Heavenly Parent in my personal prayers and deeds. Not so different from  the beliefs I used to espouse, but totally opposite from the Unification Church's manipulative teachings, designed to make one feel responsible for saving the world, but forget about taking care of one's own soul! 

GOSPELS OF INCLUSION.

     I had a good couple of days. After a few months of enduring one problem after another with my knee and feet, I suddenly felt no pain and could move around without a cane, although, it was mighty good to have it, when I needed its support.
     Last night, as I went to sleep, Chickie decided to bestow on me the favor of lying on my legs. It was not a big deal, really, so I let him curl up on his beloved blanket on top of me. When I tried to get up, I felt the familiar stiffness of the knee joint. Just like that, the pain returned! 
     Anyway, two days without pain are better than nothing, right? There are people in this world, who exist in constant pain, and one of them is Roberta. I don't know, how she is doing it: most of the time, she is cheerful and doesn't complain.
     Did I tell you, we went to the Creekside Community Church in San Leandro last Sunday? We went there before, and I didn't like it. I was looking for a friendly church, where I could feel welcome. People at the Creekside were nice enough, but I didn't feel, like I was wanted. Since then my priorities shifted. I began to understand, and I am paraphrasing it: it's not what a church can give you, it's what you can give to a church.... Besides, the reasons to go there should be wider, than just for finding some buddies...
     This time, when I arrived to the Creekside Church with Roberta and Sonny in tow, I felt very differently. During my last visit there, they sang unfamiliar songs, adding to my feeling of alienation. Now the congregation sang "Be thou my vision" - a hymn by an Irish saint, Dallan Forgaill. I'm, somewhat, familiar with it, and the words of gratitude and devotion to God couldn't fail to move me. The pastor, who already spoke at an earlier service, was a little hoarse, but he talked of the chapter in Acts, where the early Christians discuss, whether the Gentiles should have to follow Jewish law in order to be considered as true believers in Christ. This question of inclusion or exclusion of people, according to the ruling clique's views, is very close to my heart. It was fascinating to hear the pastor explain the historical background of that part of the Gospel and describe, how some of the prominent figures of Christianity, like Paul, Peter, James and Barnabas, felt about the topic. 
     The result of the discussion, which drew the participation of every member of the early church, was that, beyond urging the Gentiles to avoid the sin, they should not be compelled to accept Judaism in order to be true Christians: 
     "AND I WILL REBUILD THE TABERNACLE OF DAVID WHICH HAS FALLEN, AND I WILL REBUILD ITS RUINS, AND I WILL RESTORE IT, SO THAT THE REST OF MANKIND MAY SEEK THE LORD, AND ALL THE GENTILES WHO ARE CALLED BY MY NAME."
      For the first time in a very long while the words of a pastor got through to me to move my heart even to a point of tears. 

CATS

Cats, cats, we're surrounded by cats!

WHAT AM I DOING?

     What am I doing? I am not writing, neither this blog nor my story. I spend time on Facebook or playing Scrabble online. Obviously, that's not the best way to spend my life, but I can't seem to get off the couch and into the wide world.
     Oh, I do all the things I have to do for work. I go to doctors and even meet friends or Mr. P. sometimes. At the same time, the weight keeps creeping back up, after everything I've endured, trying to shed the pounds.
     I think, the only way I can lose weight is if someone hits me on the head and lays me down in some quiet, warm place without food for a few months. Or, maybe, go to some rehab for the overweight sufferers and use the structured environment in order to keep my discipline and determination intact. 
     I am so confused! My mind is full of contradictions. On the one hand. I came to understand that, I am powerless against my addiction to food, and only with the interference from the Higher Power I can overcome it. On the other hand, does it mean, I am responsible for the weight loss? 
     Perhaps, it means, I am responsible to make the Higher Power able to work in my life. What does it entail? Prayer, achieving the right kind of an attitude, I guess. And here again I am at sea: what is the correct attitude? 
     How do some people just have it in their hearts, what it takes to be really successful in life?! They are in touch with something, which I am only guessing at. I need help!

I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE!

I have see the future, and its in my mouth!

Remember, how the dentists used the sticky material to make a mold for a dental crown or  prostheses? They then sent it to a lab, and after waiting for it for a couple of weeks, we had to go to the office a few more times for adjustments. I came in for such a purpose. Dr. Chan's second son (that's how he introduced himself to me) worked on me for at least an hour, using all the latest methods to minimize my discomfort. There was no pain! Then he said:

"I will now take a few pictures with this computer device and we'll                make your crown."

I was astonished: "How are you able to do it right here in the office?" He very calmly explained that, the computer will send the parameters of my crown to a machine, which then will make it.
"You mean... you use a 3-D printer?!!!"

They do! Amazing: in a small town of San Lorenzo, in the area of lower to middle class people, Dr. Chan is able to use such a revolutionary device! 

I hobbled (the knee is still acting up) to a small machine in the corner of the office. Its made so we can watch the process. A cube of pink material was fastened between two little drills. As the machine received instructions from the computer, the drills began to furiously work on a cube, being liberally sprayed with water. I was so excited, I could scarcely stand still and kept squawking and hop around, like a demented chicken. The staff thoroughly enjoyed this display for a while, then politely asked me to return to the room. 

And that was it! 

A little crown you see on a photo above was adjusted to my needs, then painted my color and baked for twenty minutes, or so, to make it hard and shiny. By the way, its made of the strongest stuff there is: porcelain!

This was the most amazing thing that happened in our parts this week. Other than that, we work and we play, as usual. The cats do their job: they sleep on every available surface in the house. For some reason, they prefer this multi-plug thingy to nap on. 

Does anyone have any idea, why this is so?

For Roberta's birthday we went to the IHOP on the 9th of March, because it was weekend. Yesterday, on the real date of her birth, I sent Sonny to buy her a cake and a card. We had a good time, celebrating!

Doesn't she look nice?