PRINCIPLES TRUMP POLITICS

     I understand, we want, whom we want in the White House. Bill Clinton is an animal, who attacks and uses women. Hillary, his wife and a present Presidential candidate, is a manipulative, greedy, lawless .... 
     
     Does that make right forTrump to have his attitude toward women?
Yeah, he said those things on tape ten years ago. Do you honestly think, he changed his ways since then? All those remarks of his about women being fat, needing to be beautiful to get a job; him petting his adult daughter on the behind during public events... Doesn't it make you a little nauseous? 

     We all want, what we want. To my remarks on Trump people tell me, how much worse Hillary and Bill are. They tell me, if Hillary is elected into Office, she'll appoint wrong kind of Supreme Court judges, and America will go to Hell. And therefore, it's OK for Trump to be a women-hating, tactless, pimply-adolescent-minded jerk. 

     In effect, people practice politics. They sacrifice, what's really important: care and respect for another gender, fairness - to promote a political candidate, who, hopefully, won't disappoint them.                                                                

                                                                

     It never worked before, you know! Whenever we sacrifice our principles for the sake of practicality, a disaster follows. 

     We can't bargain with the Devil. If we offer him a finger, he'll take the whole arm. We can't betray, what we care about for the sake of what we might want at the moment. 

               “Ideology knows the answer before  the question has been                                           asked. Principles are something different: a set of values 
                       that have to be adapted to circumstances 
                            but not compromised away.” 

                                                                                                                                  ― George                                                                                                                                                 Packer

TRUMP TALK

     



     So, some say, all men talk dirty about women. What does it prove? Do you feel good about it? Do you feel empowered that, you think, you have a right to do so? 
     As a woman, I feel that such mindset and behavior is a betrayal. Man's role is to protect and uphold his partner. Real, secure in their position and authority men, wouldn't demean women. Those, who hate women or fear rejection - would.

BREATHE DEEPLY

     The laundry machine is broken. It happened about three months ago. Fortunately, just before that we purchased The First American Home Warranty insurance.
     I called them up, and they sent a repairman from a reputable company - the Sears. He spent 5 minutes with the machine and an hour - trying to order parts for it. His English was poor, so when he told me, he couldn't reach the parts' department, and I'll have to do it now, I didn't understand him. 
     How do I know, what he meant? In about a week I called the insurance again, thinking that by then my parts arrived. Two men came out this time. They said, they had no parts and no notes from the previous person, so they'd have to take the machine apart. Didn't find a leak, but looking at MY receipt from the last repairman, those two told me a cockamamie story about how the dial is broken, and the washer keeps filling with water and doesn't know, when to stop, so they need to order a new dial. Even I knew, it couldn't be right!
     One more week passed. A box with the new dial arrived. A repairman, for whom I waited for four hours, didn't. 
     Now hysterical, I called the company and yelled at everyone, unfortunate enough to talk to me. 
     The guy, who came the first time, showed up at my door. I didn't recognize him, because he was wearing a little mask. He told me, he was allergic to cats.
     He didn't understand, how a new dial would solve a leaking problem, but opened the box with the new part anyway. 
     "Is broken!" - he declared, shaking the box to let me hear the rattling inside. "Can't do anything with it!"
     And I thought, it couldn't get any worse! 
     I called the company once more to inform them, I wasn't going to pay for this kind of service. They reassured me, they understood, and promised to take care of the problem, but I had to buy some new parts. 
     Before the next visit I received a letter with a refund for $65, even though I didn't pay anything yet. Who is running that company, anyway?
     It was a different man, who came to repair my machine this time. Chewing on my frustration, I took him to the laundry room, but a few minutes later he was out, saying, he'll order me a replacement washer. 
     The point of this long story?
     I don't know, who is running the insurance company or the repair shop with whom they have a contract, but things in this country are getting worse. Maybe I was lucky until now, but I was always impressed about the ease, with which the American businesses take care of their customers. These days my head is spinning from the un-business-like behavior I encounter everywhere! For example, when I tried to get Roberta her "free" phone, the web of mistakes and bureaucratic run-around I was subjected to, left me with the PTSD! 
     Are we getting too big to manage the precise handling of our responsibilities? It seems like, the right hand doesn't know, what the left one is doing! 

     What's there left for us, the clients and the customers, to do, but to breathe deeply (in through the nose and out through the mouth) and pray? For now it helps.
       By the way, we are still waiting for the new washer!

PRAYER

     I'm waiting for Sonny.
     Earlier this evening, when he and I had an easy conversation in the living room, Taka walked in, Sometimes it seems to me, he spends all his time making up the ultimatums with which he can present Sonny. The situation is not black and white, though: Taka told me, he can't sleep, thinking of Sonny and how he might once again disappoint us. I came to a realization, that we need to let Sonny succeed or fail on his own. I argue with Taka, therefore, when he demands that Sonny presents him with updated reports on different aspects of transferring to the Arizona State University. 
     This time Taka interrupted the relaxed atmosphere in the house by spouting something about Sonny having too many car accidents. For some reason the new ultimatum was for Sonny to pay money to offset our car repair losses. 
     My son is broken. He doesn't argue with his dad or responds to the his questions or even mine. He just sits there with a closed, vacant expression on his face. It kills me to see him like that. It kills me to see, Sonny is closed not only to his dad, but to me too.
     Since I couldn't get Sonny to respond to me, I tried to get his dad to lay off. As after a heated exchange with my husband I turned to Sonny, I saw the ironic look on his face. I couldn't dwell on it, because I still, foolishly, perhaps, hope that my words will reach Taka. Instead my spouse walked away. When Sonny went to his room, I heard that Taka resumed his assault on him. 
     I began to walk to the back of the house, where Taka's voice droned, but half way there Sonny came toward me. He went out of the front door, wearing only shorts and a T-shirt. I tried to get him to take car keys, but he walked away into the cold, dark evening.
     It didn't help to call Sonny's phone. It's been a few hours, but there is no word from him.
     What surprised me was Taka. This is not a new kind of a situation. Usually after an altercation with me he storms off into the bedroom/office, and the next time we have to start from square one. This time he showed more patience, as I asked him to change his approach to Sonny. I expressed my need to see him treat his family with more warmth, like a dad would. He, of course, interrupted my every sentence, and I, finally, as Mr. P. teaches me, walked away, saying: "We'll continue this conversation, when you can afford it more respect".
     The only thing I had left was to pray. About what? Sonny's safety, him finding it in his heart to open up to us and to do, what needs to be done for his future; for Heavenly Father to reach Taka and Sonny, because I can't.
     Taka came, looking for a flash light. I guess, he decided to search for Sonny. He returned to the living room and sat by me, which didn't happen for many many years. 
     He finally told me, he had to go to bed. Before that he said: "When Sonny comes back, tell him, I'm sorry". 

ROBERTA AND THE REALITY

     A few illustrations to Roberta's mental situation:

Sonny and I were chatting in the living room. Suddenly Roberta's cheerful voice interrupted us:
- "I got my pants off!"
Before I managed to turn around, I saw the horror on Sonny' s face, as he covered it with his hands.
Sure enough, by the dining room table, smiling from ear to ear, stood Roberta. She wore a pretty green suit jacket, but no pants.

Some days later:

Me: "Roberta, do you know, what a misogynist is"?
Roberta (defiantly): "Of course I do!"
Me: "What does it mean then"?
Roberta: "Someone, who comes to give you a massage!

On the way to the doctor's office:

Me: "Roberta, what's the matter, why do you look so displeased?
Roberta (irate): "It's nothing."
Me: "You have to tell me, because I can't guess, what's bothering you!"
Roberta: "It's just that I remember, when you took me there once before. It looked like a junk yard. There were pipes everywhere and the artificial insemination equipment..."
Me: Speechless.

GOD'S GRACE, MY HUSBAND AND THE GAMES WE PLAY

     The Unification Church announced in August that, there will be a Special Grace Ceremony for the members. Although I left that church and became a Christian, I promised Taka to go there once a month for Sunday Services. I guess, a Special Grace Ceremony can be also counted as one of those occasions, when I had to put up an appearance there. 

     The more I thought about it, the clearer it became: the Unification Movement or it's leaders - the Moon family - have nothing to do with God. We all had to pay a couple of hundreds of dollars to receive "the grace and some holy objects". My skin crawled, as these words brought thoughts of the Inquisition, indulgences and holy relics. I went to the ceremony with Taka and Sonny, but didn't drink the "holy" wine or "amen" to anything.

     A few days after the ceremony, I, half-joking, told Taka that, since I go to his church, it would be only fair for him to go to mine, meaning Creekside Community Church in San Leandro. He refused, of course, but later on came to talk about it. For some reason, it was a news to him that I don't consider myself a Unification Church member anymore! 

     We sat in a darkened living room for at least an hour, as I tried to explain to my husband that, God's Grace comes to us for free, and those who demand payment for it are not to be trusted. 

     Because his English can be quite difficult to understand, I still might not have comprehended his reasons to stay in the Moon's Movement. I think, he meant, since joining  that church, he felt, he had no choice, but to commit to it fully and unquestioningly, as he feels now that there can be no choice for him to leave it. 

     From a discussion about our faith we moved on to discuss our marriage. Not for the first time I told Taka, he has to pay attention to me beyond a few words a day he manages to squeeze in my general direction. Something must've finally struck a chord, because Taka suggested, we do something special together every week. Hallelujah, there is a God in Heaven!

     We went out to eat. The next week Taka proclaimed, we have to do something more active. We played billiards. 

     I played billiards on Wii before and was pretty good at it. The real, physical game proved to be very different. Suffice it to say, I was sweating from the top of my head to the bottom of my soles.          We had to go down two flights of stairs to get to the tables, and at the end - two flights of stairs up to get to the street. It might not seem like a lot to all of you, young and spry folks, but to me, with the feet that start hurting when I just look at a stairwell, it was a challenge. The final decision: billiards is not my game!

     We finished our paid period in Tai Chi. For a couple of weeks we didn't do any exercising, except some Tai Chi practicing on the backyard. This Saturday Taka wants to play Miniature Golf. 

     So, my man designated a day a week, when he can pay attention to me. Is that normal? He still looks through me and  on other days hears only what he wants to hear! Should I be patient and pretend, everything is honky-dory? Should I still pressure him into a deeper involvement with me?

     To tell the truth, it's so much easier to spend time on my own! But I know, deepening our relationship is a right thing to do. 

STILL THERE

     Just so you know, we are all alive!

     I have some trouble telling one day from another: I make same meals for the family, play same games online, say same things, get into the same arguments. 

     Hanah came home in the Summer, spent a couple of weeks with us and went to study and work in... Moscow, Idaho! For those of you, who don't know, why this is significant, - I am from Moscow - Moscow in Russia! What an irony!

     Sonny enrolled in the Spring semester in Arizona State University. He is supposed to go there in November, but spends his time trying to forget about it. He still doesn't know, where he'll live, for example. His dad hounds him day and night to make plans, but Sonny only digs deeper into his bed covers. If someone hounded me day and night, that's what I would do too. 

     Taka works. Actually, a few weeks back he came to me and said, he wanted to retire. Knowing him, there must be a really strong reason for such a drastic idea, but the only thing I felt, was horror!
     Every weekend that he spends home is a PTSD inducing experience for me. Imagine, if I'd have to endure it every day for the rest of our lives! Besides, he keeps telling me, we don't have enough money. How are we suppose to live on half of what we earn now?  

          What brings me down most of all, though, are not the children or Taka. I bring myself down.  What kind of a person am I: don't write, don't read. I can't change my harmful behavior. Life just doesn't seem to be worth living with my state of mind.