Wednesday, June 15, 2016
GLORY BE TOO
Roberta and I leave the restaurant. I wait for her, as she steps down the curb between our car and the next one. The bag with a take-out dinner is heavy, so I put it on the trunk of the car.
I push a button on a remote, but the doors remain closed. A few more, increasingly impatient, pushes, and I accept that it's not going to work. I pass the key to Roberta, who is blocking my way, and ask her to open the door manually.
She tries, but can't do it. I get frustrated. "Why can't she do this simplest thing?" - is what's rattling in my brain.
I hustle Roberta aside and poke the key into the keyhole. It goes in just a little bit, but stops there. I poke it in a couple more times, afraid to break the key in the lock.
- "Is that your car?" - Roberta's voice reaches me through the fog of incredulity.
I look over the smooth golden car top to another one, the same color, but with sun-roof. Like what my car has...
S-h-a-a-a-m-e!
She tries, but can't do it. I get frustrated. "Why can't she do this simplest thing?" - is what's rattling in my brain.I hustle Roberta aside and poke the key into the keyhole. It goes in just a little bit, but stops there. I poke it in a couple more times, afraid to break the key in the lock.
- "Is that your car?" - Roberta's voice reaches me through the fog of incredulity.
I look over the smooth golden car top to another one, the same color, but with sun-roof. Like what my car has...S-h-a-a-a-m-e!
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
GLORY BE
You didn't think, all the drama disappeared from my life, did you?
I don't pretend to know, what's happening outside my own senses' capacity. I mean, what powers move our lives? Who is tweaking our fates' chords and adjusts figures on the universal chess board? Sometimes I feel, something is about to happen, but lack the ability to always separate and hang on to that feeling, or to predict, what's coming my way.
Roberta and I just finished playing Bingo. She usually gets hungry by that time, but I was a little nauseous and disoriented. I decided to take her to a restaurant, and we both agreed to call a friend to join us. Yes, I should've recognized the signs of impending misadventure in the way I felt, but I didn't.
Still driving, I made a phone call. The friend didn't answer, and slowing down at a stoplight I began to try and put my phone back into the purse.
I let the brake go for just a second, and the car rolled forward.
There was no time to stop. Bam! We slammed into the bumper of a vehicle in front of us and sat there with our eyes bulging and mouths gaping.
I began to climb out of my seat. It seemed like my car became a bucket, that swallowed me whole. I saw a young-ish man come out of his Honda and start taking pictures of his car and my license plate. I also grabbed my phone, but couldn't find strength to look for the right buttons to push to take my own photos.
We exchanged our insurance and Driver's License information. I recognized a slight Russian accent, asked the man, if he was from the same country as I. He was, but he kept his tone cool and non-committal.
The rest of the day I spent in a blur.
- "Isn't this the guy I hit today?" - everywhere I went, I saw the victim of my indiscretion.
I mean, I didn't see any dents or even minute scratches on his car. My car was alright too. Still I knew, if that man wanted to, he could blow the incident out of proportion.
Today I got a letter from the man's insurance company. I don't think it'll end badly for us: afterwards, that's what our own auto insurance is for - but I still have this uncomfortable feeling.
It was my fault. I shouldn't use the phone while driving, so I thank whomever wrought this episode in my life. A disaster can happen in no time at all, and next time it might end much, much worse.
I don't pretend to know, what's happening outside my own senses' capacity. I mean, what powers move our lives? Who is tweaking our fates' chords and adjusts figures on the universal chess board? Sometimes I feel, something is about to happen, but lack the ability to always separate and hang on to that feeling, or to predict, what's coming my way.Roberta and I just finished playing Bingo. She usually gets hungry by that time, but I was a little nauseous and disoriented. I decided to take her to a restaurant, and we both agreed to call a friend to join us. Yes, I should've recognized the signs of impending misadventure in the way I felt, but I didn't.
Still driving, I made a phone call. The friend didn't answer, and slowing down at a stoplight I began to try and put my phone back into the purse.
I let the brake go for just a second, and the car rolled forward.
I began to climb out of my seat. It seemed like my car became a bucket, that swallowed me whole. I saw a young-ish man come out of his Honda and start taking pictures of his car and my license plate. I also grabbed my phone, but couldn't find strength to look for the right buttons to push to take my own photos.
We exchanged our insurance and Driver's License information. I recognized a slight Russian accent, asked the man, if he was from the same country as I. He was, but he kept his tone cool and non-committal.
The rest of the day I spent in a blur.
- "Isn't this the guy I hit today?" - everywhere I went, I saw the victim of my indiscretion.
I mean, I didn't see any dents or even minute scratches on his car. My car was alright too. Still I knew, if that man wanted to, he could blow the incident out of proportion.
Today I got a letter from the man's insurance company. I don't think it'll end badly for us: afterwards, that's what our own auto insurance is for - but I still have this uncomfortable feeling.
It was my fault. I shouldn't use the phone while driving, so I thank whomever wrought this episode in my life. A disaster can happen in no time at all, and next time it might end much, much worse.
Monday, June 13, 2016
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS
How to correct the un-correctable?
It's not a secret: what children learn from us influences them their whole lives. Many a time I began to say: "How did they become like this?" - only to mentally bite my tongue, because at that moment I realized, I was like this! It seems like my worst habits and behavior took root in my kids' psyches.
What tortures me is, how to help them correct that? They don't even think they are in need of such intervention!
Mr. P. often reminds me, when one person in a family finds recovery, it washes over their loved ones, like ripples on the pond.
The problem is: my recovery is still far off. Although I see the difference in how I view the world and how the relationship with my husband, for example, changed for the better since I began to seek counselling, I also feel more doubt and depression. I think, it's because before I didn't pay attention to some things in myself, like my arrogance or criticism of others, or the way I procrastinate in taking necessary steps for my recovery. All that clarity disturbs me and saps at my will to thrive!
How to correct the un-correctable? I can't. What I can do is, acknowledge my own imperfection and that I don't have control over people or many events in my life. Admit that I don't know everything, and a lot of things I thought, I knew, every day turn out to be the opposite of truth.
Does it mean, I always have to second guess myself? No. I just need to let go of the posturing and the idea that, I will be my kids savior. I hope, they'll benefit from whatever bits of wisdom I find and accept for myself. I repent and apologize for the bad influence I had on them, but, although my heart and hand are always open to them, eventually, they'll have to work for their own happiness.
It's not a secret: what children learn from us influences them their whole lives. Many a time I began to say: "How did they become like this?" - only to mentally bite my tongue, because at that moment I realized, I was like this! It seems like my worst habits and behavior took root in my kids' psyches.
What tortures me is, how to help them correct that? They don't even think they are in need of such intervention!
Mr. P. often reminds me, when one person in a family finds recovery, it washes over their loved ones, like ripples on the pond.
The problem is: my recovery is still far off. Although I see the difference in how I view the world and how the relationship with my husband, for example, changed for the better since I began to seek counselling, I also feel more doubt and depression. I think, it's because before I didn't pay attention to some things in myself, like my arrogance or criticism of others, or the way I procrastinate in taking necessary steps for my recovery. All that clarity disturbs me and saps at my will to thrive!
How to correct the un-correctable? I can't. What I can do is, acknowledge my own imperfection and that I don't have control over people or many events in my life. Admit that I don't know everything, and a lot of things I thought, I knew, every day turn out to be the opposite of truth.
Does it mean, I always have to second guess myself? No. I just need to let go of the posturing and the idea that, I will be my kids savior. I hope, they'll benefit from whatever bits of wisdom I find and accept for myself. I repent and apologize for the bad influence I had on them, but, although my heart and hand are always open to them, eventually, they'll have to work for their own happiness.
WAR OR PEACE
It's 12:42 in the morning. I had a long day.
In the evening Taka suddenly decided to take me out to dinner. That didn't happen in a long time. We live as roommates with different schedules and agendas. To tell the truth, I already began to prepare myself to a final separation from him. But there he was, hugging me and telling me about his plan to go out!
We went to a Vietnamese place nearby. I was driving. On the way Taka told me, he could drive too, because "Beer already expired".
I asked him a few times to repeat that. In my mind I made a few different explanations to his sentence. Did he mean, the beer he drank was bad, and he now had a reaction to it? What else could it possibly mean?!
In the evening Taka suddenly decided to take me out to dinner. That didn't happen in a long time. We live as roommates with different schedules and agendas. To tell the truth, I already began to prepare myself to a final separation from him. But there he was, hugging me and telling me about his plan to go out!
We went to a Vietnamese place nearby. I was driving. On the way Taka told me, he could drive too, because "Beer already expired".
It urned out in the end, Taka meant, the alcohol from drinking beer already left his system, so he could drive. Now, would you be able to decipher his statement?
We've been together for more than 20 years. Our communication got a little better lately. He still either freezes and refuses to repeat some things I don't understand from the first time he says them, or screams them out at me.
I am so used to such treatment, that many times it doesn't even occur to me to confront Taka for this behavior. In Al Anon I learned though: "We get, what we tolerate", and Mr. P. often reminds me that we have to "Pop the pimple" (sorry for this graphic metaphor), which means, we have to face and confront someone, who treats us unfairly.
The situation with the "expired beer" was more funny than annoying, so we went on to the restaurant without fighting.
I am sure, Taka has a huge list of things that hurt or annoy him in my behavior. I still feel like I always have to swallow, what he dishes out, and put my fake face on. I am getting better at "popping the pimple", but it's too hard to constantly be in a state of war with my husband.
We've been together for more than 20 years. Our communication got a little better lately. He still either freezes and refuses to repeat some things I don't understand from the first time he says them, or screams them out at me.
I am so used to such treatment, that many times it doesn't even occur to me to confront Taka for this behavior. In Al Anon I learned though: "We get, what we tolerate", and Mr. P. often reminds me that we have to "Pop the pimple" (sorry for this graphic metaphor), which means, we have to face and confront someone, who treats us unfairly.
The situation with the "expired beer" was more funny than annoying, so we went on to the restaurant without fighting. I am sure, Taka has a huge list of things that hurt or annoy him in my behavior. I still feel like I always have to swallow, what he dishes out, and put my fake face on. I am getting better at "popping the pimple", but it's too hard to constantly be in a state of war with my husband.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Saturday, June 11, 2016
HANGING
Hey, there, are you surprised to hear from me? I hope, you are not angry for me for leaving you all without updates on my family and myself. Hmm, sounds kind of conceited, doesn't it?
Well, not much changed since the end of April or my last post. To my eyes, things are developing not in a good way, though.
Sonny is thinking to transfer from studying online at Arizona State University to study at the physical college there. That is, his dad is pushing for it, and Sonny halfheartedly follows his dad's idea. I think, my son should get out of the house to start his life, but I want it to be his decision. No idea, by the way, how to motivate him in that direction!
Hanah is working as a stage designer. She also takes part in some plays. Sometimes I see her posts on Facebook, but she refuses to answer any of my inquiries. She doesn't call or write either. I can only
assume, I did something to upset her, because otherwise I have to worry that she is doing something she must hide from her parents. Then again, it could be, she is just selfish enough to ignore us so completely.
Roberta. She, thank God, is physically OK. Mentally, though, is another story! Her mind keeps deteriorating, and there is nothing
anyone can do about it.
Yesterday she wanted to pay for our meal at a restaurant. She gave me a few bills and asked, if that was enough. There was $345 there, so I laughed and said, yes, it was enough. "How much is it?" - she said, pointing at the $100 bill - "One dollar?" During our further conversation I realized, she can't tell difference between $1, $10 or $100! The capacity to reason it out is just not there!
If you didn't guess it yet, I'm feeling quite depressed. I know, it's silly to expect everything to work out the way I want, but ... how can it all be going so wrong?
I continue to pray and trust, that God is with me and my family. I also go to see Mr. P. - my counselor, and push myself to attend Tai Chi class with Taka. My health issues are still there.
So, I hang somewhere in between despair and faith. My previous life experience leads me to anticipate more failures on my part, but my faith tells me to change my attitude and hope for the best.
Mr. P. says, I should set myself some achievable, real goals. So far we came up with walking 10 minutes and writing 20 minutes a day.
Send some positive thoughts my way, will you? I can use all the help I can get at this point!
Well, not much changed since the end of April or my last post. To my eyes, things are developing not in a good way, though.
 |
| Sonny is decorated for Christmas |
Hanah is working as a stage designer. She also takes part in some plays. Sometimes I see her posts on Facebook, but she refuses to answer any of my inquiries. She doesn't call or write either. I can only
Roberta. She, thank God, is physically OK. Mentally, though, is another story! Her mind keeps deteriorating, and there is nothing
Yesterday she wanted to pay for our meal at a restaurant. She gave me a few bills and asked, if that was enough. There was $345 there, so I laughed and said, yes, it was enough. "How much is it?" - she said, pointing at the $100 bill - "One dollar?" During our further conversation I realized, she can't tell difference between $1, $10 or $100! The capacity to reason it out is just not there!
If you didn't guess it yet, I'm feeling quite depressed. I know, it's silly to expect everything to work out the way I want, but ... how can it all be going so wrong?
I continue to pray and trust, that God is with me and my family. I also go to see Mr. P. - my counselor, and push myself to attend Tai Chi class with Taka. My health issues are still there.
So, I hang somewhere in between despair and faith. My previous life experience leads me to anticipate more failures on my part, but my faith tells me to change my attitude and hope for the best.
Mr. P. says, I should set myself some achievable, real goals. So far we came up with walking 10 minutes and writing 20 minutes a day.
Send some positive thoughts my way, will you? I can use all the help I can get at this point!
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