I went to sleep at 2:30 last night. At the FA meeting the day before, I met a young girl, who agreed to be my sponsor. When I questioned her, whether the difference in our age would be detrimental for that purpose, she said, she only will try to impart on me, how her sponsor led her. She told me to call her at 6 in the morning for instructions.
As I said, I went to sleep at 2:30. I woke up to an alarm at ten minutes to 6, stumbled around, getting myself ready for the call and made it right on the dot, at 6.
Ileana greeted me tersely. She told me, I have to buy digital scales to weigh my food. Even though, its not a diet, but a kind of a rehabilitation program, where the food addicts learn to live differently with the help of the spiritual and societal discipline (prayer, repentance, communication with other people and sponsors), a big part of the FA program consists of - the diet! Everything Ileana told me, I can eat, are the things I don't like. Besides that, I have to constantly call other people on the program for support, read the literature and go to meetings three times a week! Every day I will need to make food for my family and separate something for myself. I have to ask myself:
1. Is it worth it?
2. Can I stick with it?
Is it worth it to become a healthier person? Is it worth it to, God willing, prolog my life to see the grandchildren, as well as enjoy this beautiful world? Is it worth it to be able to participate in life more fully, because my health and body will allow it?
OK, OK, I'll stop. It is, definitely, worth it.
Now, will I be able to stick with it? I already have heebee-jeebees, thinking about all the changes I have to make in my life. Please, Heavenly God, help me be strong! There were quite a few people in the meeting, who lost a lot of weight, following the program, but all of them were young or young-ish. My sister told me that, she will be rooting for me, while I follow the instructions, and I am very grateful for that.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
HER HIGHER POWER, WHICH SHE CALLS GOD.
Hello, my dear readers. I waited for an opportune situation of which to write, and now it presented itself.
Today we went back to the Food Addicts Anonymous' meeting. Just now Taka asked me, where I was, and, after hearing the answer, remarked: "In Japan, if you become a great Master, you can just eat fog!"
And so, here she was, readily jumping onto the bandwagon of the food addicts! I guess, my look showed that, I was surprised, because she leaned over and very loudly asked me: "What did that lady say?"
Today we went back to the Food Addicts Anonymous' meeting. Just now Taka asked me, where I was, and, after hearing the answer, remarked: "In Japan, if you become a great Master, you can just eat fog!"
- "I don't think, that will work for a food addict." - I said.
- "But, if you become a great Master, you can ride on a cloud!"
I have to meditate a bit on Taka's reasons to want me to become a great Master and ride a cloud. In the meanwhile, I'll tell you about the FA Meeting.
Mary went to a meeting by herself on Sunday and, I guess, realized, how much better it is to do it together. She proposed to pick me and Roberta up today to bring us there.
Last time I attempted to go there, I ended up standing on the street, awaiting a AAA truck to get my keys out of the car. I knew, I have to go back there, but it took Mary's offer to overcome the pain of my emotional baggage.
Today everything went well. We came early, but all the parking places by the building and opposite to it were occupied. Poor Mary left us at the curb and went to look for a parking spot.
In the beginning of the meeting a leader said:
- "Hello, my name is .... . I am a food addict. Are there any other food addicts here today?" We all put our hands up. Roberta, after a glance at me, did so too. She never eats if she is full. Except for sweets, food is really not that important to her. I, actually, hoped to leave her at home, so I asked her (before we went out), why she wanted to go to the meeting. She replied, she likes the opportunity to learn about strengthening her character. What could I do? I would not deny someone such a chance!
And so, here she was, readily jumping onto the bandwagon of the food addicts! I guess, my look showed that, I was surprised, because she leaned over and very loudly asked me: "What did that lady say?"
I tried to stifle my laughter, but couldn't. To my acute embarrassment, I tittered loudly, just when there was a quiet pause in the leader's speech.
"I am so sorry, I really apologize!" - was all I could say.
After that I tried very hard to focus on the testimonies of the meeting participants. Although the FA uses a lot of the AA's and Al Anon's principles, the testimonies can go on as long, as a speaker wants them to be. Still, it was very valuable for me to hear, what others went through and realized to be able to use the program efficiently. The first and very important thing to understand was, it is not a diet. What makes it successful is the adherence to the spiritual side of it.
We have to acknowledge, we are powerless over our addiction. For some of you it might seem like a cup out, but, try as I may, I can't - and other addicts can't - master their addictions without the outside help. So, we have to come to believe that, "the Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity".
Historically, the atheists blamed religion for being "the opiate of the people". Is it weak to rely on God? Are the followers of religious faiths wimps?
Some people at the meeting were very fat. Some were quite thin. The very thin (120 lbs) leader assured us that, without following the spiritual principles of the program she could not consistently follow it's more external rules. She lost 130 lbs , but feels, her more important achievement is her connection to the Higher Power, which she calls God. I didn't see anything weak in that person's demeanor or story.
"I am so sorry, I really apologize!" - was all I could say.
After that I tried very hard to focus on the testimonies of the meeting participants. Although the FA uses a lot of the AA's and Al Anon's principles, the testimonies can go on as long, as a speaker wants them to be. Still, it was very valuable for me to hear, what others went through and realized to be able to use the program efficiently. The first and very important thing to understand was, it is not a diet. What makes it successful is the adherence to the spiritual side of it.
We have to acknowledge, we are powerless over our addiction. For some of you it might seem like a cup out, but, try as I may, I can't - and other addicts can't - master their addictions without the outside help. So, we have to come to believe that, "the Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity".
Historically, the atheists blamed religion for being "the opiate of the people". Is it weak to rely on God? Are the followers of religious faiths wimps?
Some people at the meeting were very fat. Some were quite thin. The very thin (120 lbs) leader assured us that, without following the spiritual principles of the program she could not consistently follow it's more external rules. She lost 130 lbs , but feels, her more important achievement is her connection to the Higher Power, which she calls God. I didn't see anything weak in that person's demeanor or story.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
WAITING TO EXHALE...
What happened at the Food Addicts' Anonymous meeting... Do you really want to know? Any thoughts, how it might've gone? I'll bet, you'll be wrong!
I was very inspired and ready to start this new attempt to lose weight. I mean, my life is not a life, due to the extra pounds affecting my health, self image and the ability to be helpful to my family and community.The example of Anne Lamborn, a textile artist, who recently lost 140 lbs attending and following the FA program, made me forget depression I've felt after I had to stop the Kaiser Weight Management regime.
Mary was more than happy to meet me at the first FA meeting. Roberta also decided to tag along, rather than lying in bed all evening. We had half an hour to get to the Veterans' Memorial Center in San Leandro. It was already dark. We couldn't see the numbers on the buildings, and, although I could imagine, the Veterans' Memorial Center would look different from other houses on the street, we couldn't find it for the longest time . I lost my nerve, because I am not a good driver at night, and began saying to myself: "I should've just stayed home!"
Then we found the building. We were a little late by then, and there was no parking. I stopped at a red-lined curb to let Roberta out, thinking, I could park the car somewhere else and come back there. She began to motion for me to come to her though, so I closed the door and went to see, what she needed. It was nothing, and went to the car. The doors were locked! The keys gently swayed in the ignition and my purse with the phone in it lay on the seat.
Just like that, my plans and hopes, at least for that evening, were shattered. I brought Roberta into the room, where the meeting was going to take place: there was no need for her to stay with me on the street, waiting for an AAA truck. I told Mary, who was already there, what happened. I expected her to do, what I would've done, if our roles were reversed: get off her butt and come to support me in my travail. She did nothing of the sort! Granted, she handed me her phone, so I could now call the Roadside Assistance, but then she turned back to listen to a speaker.
It was, of course, a practical thing to do. Then again, what kind of a friend is that?!
I managed to call and request help. They said, they'll be there within 45 minutes. I knew, the best thing in that situation was to have a positive outlook on things. It was difficult. I felt shell shocked. Perhaps, after all the prayer to Heavenly Father I had higher expectations. Perhaps, I was wrong to do so, and I began to desperately try to change that. I began to pray, telling God, I trust Him and His reasons. I needed to feel in tune with my Higher Power.
The minutes flew by, then crawled slowly. I walked up and down the street and, I'm not kidding, sang Amazing Grace ten times and prayed and prayed. The dog-walking passer bys veered away from the crazy singing lady, who, seemingly, talked to herself.
After about an hour passed, I called the Roadside Assistance again. They assured me, the car was fifteen minutes away. Try as I may, I couldn't feel peace in my heart.
A guy came and opened my car, making it beep hysterically, until I stuck a key in the door. I went to the room, where I left Roberta. The meeting just finished.
Thank God, at least now I could go home and lick my wounds...
My phone had three messages from Sonny: the metro station near his college was closed due to the protests about the Fergusson business. Could I drive there to get him from Berkeley?
There was no other option, I had to go there. Taka never went to Sonny's college, so it would've been unreasonable to ask him to do it. On the way back I asked Sonny to drive.
Two days later, and I still don't feel right. I can't find my words or say the wrong ones instead. I am doing my best to run the family. Today we went to Mary's house to celebrate Thanksgiving. I smiled and laughed and talked, but I feel nuts. I feel lost.
Its a good thing, I am confident that, Heavenly Father is not far and will step in to help me, because, as I said before: it is His will for me to be healthy, happy and able. I'll just wait here for Him to make His presence known!
I was very inspired and ready to start this new attempt to lose weight. I mean, my life is not a life, due to the extra pounds affecting my health, self image and the ability to be helpful to my family and community.The example of Anne Lamborn, a textile artist, who recently lost 140 lbs attending and following the FA program, made me forget depression I've felt after I had to stop the Kaiser Weight Management regime.
Mary was more than happy to meet me at the first FA meeting. Roberta also decided to tag along, rather than lying in bed all evening. We had half an hour to get to the Veterans' Memorial Center in San Leandro. It was already dark. We couldn't see the numbers on the buildings, and, although I could imagine, the Veterans' Memorial Center would look different from other houses on the street, we couldn't find it for the longest time . I lost my nerve, because I am not a good driver at night, and began saying to myself: "I should've just stayed home!"
Then we found the building. We were a little late by then, and there was no parking. I stopped at a red-lined curb to let Roberta out, thinking, I could park the car somewhere else and come back there. She began to motion for me to come to her though, so I closed the door and went to see, what she needed. It was nothing, and went to the car. The doors were locked! The keys gently swayed in the ignition and my purse with the phone in it lay on the seat.
Just like that, my plans and hopes, at least for that evening, were shattered. I brought Roberta into the room, where the meeting was going to take place: there was no need for her to stay with me on the street, waiting for an AAA truck. I told Mary, who was already there, what happened. I expected her to do, what I would've done, if our roles were reversed: get off her butt and come to support me in my travail. She did nothing of the sort! Granted, she handed me her phone, so I could now call the Roadside Assistance, but then she turned back to listen to a speaker.
It was, of course, a practical thing to do. Then again, what kind of a friend is that?!
I managed to call and request help. They said, they'll be there within 45 minutes. I knew, the best thing in that situation was to have a positive outlook on things. It was difficult. I felt shell shocked. Perhaps, after all the prayer to Heavenly Father I had higher expectations. Perhaps, I was wrong to do so, and I began to desperately try to change that. I began to pray, telling God, I trust Him and His reasons. I needed to feel in tune with my Higher Power.
The minutes flew by, then crawled slowly. I walked up and down the street and, I'm not kidding, sang Amazing Grace ten times and prayed and prayed. The dog-walking passer bys veered away from the crazy singing lady, who, seemingly, talked to herself.
After about an hour passed, I called the Roadside Assistance again. They assured me, the car was fifteen minutes away. Try as I may, I couldn't feel peace in my heart.
A guy came and opened my car, making it beep hysterically, until I stuck a key in the door. I went to the room, where I left Roberta. The meeting just finished.
Thank God, at least now I could go home and lick my wounds...
My phone had three messages from Sonny: the metro station near his college was closed due to the protests about the Fergusson business. Could I drive there to get him from Berkeley?
There was no other option, I had to go there. Taka never went to Sonny's college, so it would've been unreasonable to ask him to do it. On the way back I asked Sonny to drive.
Two days later, and I still don't feel right. I can't find my words or say the wrong ones instead. I am doing my best to run the family. Today we went to Mary's house to celebrate Thanksgiving. I smiled and laughed and talked, but I feel nuts. I feel lost.
Its a good thing, I am confident that, Heavenly Father is not far and will step in to help me, because, as I said before: it is His will for me to be healthy, happy and able. I'll just wait here for Him to make His presence known!
Monday, November 24, 2014
OF BIRTHDAYS, BUFFALO, AND THE UNEATEN CAKE.
And, finally, by six o'clock on Sunday evening and after being stuck in terrible traffic, we made it to the celebration.
It was our first time at the Texas Roadhouse,
| |
| after eating peanuts, the patrons simply throw the shells on the floor! |
Reina visibly enjoyed her steak. so did Hanah, Sonny,
and the rest of us!
I want to emphatically add: it just looks like all the plates on the table belong to me! I had a modest portion of ribs with a salad.
Roberta snitched to the waiters that it was Sonny's birthday, and they presented him with a free dessert: a funny face with cherries for eyes and a tiny brownie for a mouth in a sea of whipped cream.
As the custom dictates, we had to have a cake for Sonny. We bought it, but everyone was so full of meat and potatoes that, we never got to, actually, eat it. Everyone that is, except Taka, who, as soon as he came home, made himself a big cup of coffee and began to wait for the cake.
I guess, we'll have to extend Sonny's birthday for one more day to be able to sing the happy B-Day song to him and cut the cake!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
OF BIRTHDAYS, GIRLS AND GIANTS
Hanah is home! We had a very busy day yesterday, preparing for her arrival. It was the day before Sonny's birthday, as well, but I made him clean and clean, until he begged for mercy... No, don't worry, that's not what happened!
On Friday I had an appointment with Mr. P. Although, like I told you in the previous post, he, sometimes, annoys me with the repetition of his troubles in his early life and many accomplishments later, he really knows people. I was moved to tears by the insights he had about my situation and how I need to deal with it. I went there quite dispirited, but left with a new hope.
Afterwards, I met with Mary. She told me before, she doesn't like shopping, so I asked her: "Mary, would you like to help me shop for Sonny's present?" You see, people like us can't resist a chance to rescue someone!
We met at Macy's, walked around the floor, peering at men's shirts, trying to gauge Sonny's response to some of them. Mary was right in there with me, doing her best to find the best gift. I can really see, how the sessions with Mr. P. helped strengthen my personality, because, when Mary let her controlling side slip, I was totally able to calmly and lovingly, but strongly assert myself.
That was Friday. Hanah was arriving the next day, and I already started to fret about the house being dirty, because she was coming with a friend.On Saturday, I took Sonny to Costco to order him glasses. We (Reina and Roberta also came with us) bought some necessary - and not - stuff. Then we went home and I and Sonny cleaned for a few hours before Hanah was supposed to come.
About that... She told us, they would, probably make it here by 6 o'clock. Taka is very big on showing gratitude to people, who help us, so we planned to take Hanah's friend(s), who drove her all the way from Arcata to Hayward to celebrate Sonny's birthday. It would be a day early for it, but Sonny didn't mind.
Of course, it proved to be impossible to reach Hanah on the road. Her phone went straight to voicemail, when we tried to call to find out, when they'd be arriving. At five pm we made a final decision to treat Hanah's friends to some snacks at home and postpone the restaurant outing until tomorrow.
Hanah showed up at seven with one of her friends, Shea. He is a senior in her college and gay. He is also a giant.
Shea is easily 6 foot 6! He spent night on our couch. In the morning I began making breakfast, when
something huge passed in front of me. It looked like a bear, but, of course, there couldn't be a bear in my house! Could there?!
It was Shea. I forgot overnight, just how huge he is!
He sounds and looks like a very nice person, though! He drove Hanah here for six-seven hours and will take her back in a week. They seem at ease with each other: of course, they shared an apartment in Arcata. I'm not too crazy about my daughter having lived in a small room with a guy, but she assured me, he was gay and not interested in women at all. Let me assure you: I am praying for her without seizing!
To Be Continued...
On Friday I had an appointment with Mr. P. Although, like I told you in the previous post, he, sometimes, annoys me with the repetition of his troubles in his early life and many accomplishments later, he really knows people. I was moved to tears by the insights he had about my situation and how I need to deal with it. I went there quite dispirited, but left with a new hope.Afterwards, I met with Mary. She told me before, she doesn't like shopping, so I asked her: "Mary, would you like to help me shop for Sonny's present?" You see, people like us can't resist a chance to rescue someone!
We met at Macy's, walked around the floor, peering at men's shirts, trying to gauge Sonny's response to some of them. Mary was right in there with me, doing her best to find the best gift. I can really see, how the sessions with Mr. P. helped strengthen my personality, because, when Mary let her controlling side slip, I was totally able to calmly and lovingly, but strongly assert myself.
That was Friday. Hanah was arriving the next day, and I already started to fret about the house being dirty, because she was coming with a friend.On Saturday, I took Sonny to Costco to order him glasses. We (Reina and Roberta also came with us) bought some necessary - and not - stuff. Then we went home and I and Sonny cleaned for a few hours before Hanah was supposed to come.
About that... She told us, they would, probably make it here by 6 o'clock. Taka is very big on showing gratitude to people, who help us, so we planned to take Hanah's friend(s), who drove her all the way from Arcata to Hayward to celebrate Sonny's birthday. It would be a day early for it, but Sonny didn't mind.
Of course, it proved to be impossible to reach Hanah on the road. Her phone went straight to voicemail, when we tried to call to find out, when they'd be arriving. At five pm we made a final decision to treat Hanah's friends to some snacks at home and postpone the restaurant outing until tomorrow.
Hanah showed up at seven with one of her friends, Shea. He is a senior in her college and gay. He is also a giant.
Shea is easily 6 foot 6! He spent night on our couch. In the morning I began making breakfast, when
It was Shea. I forgot overnight, just how huge he is!
He sounds and looks like a very nice person, though! He drove Hanah here for six-seven hours and will take her back in a week. They seem at ease with each other: of course, they shared an apartment in Arcata. I'm not too crazy about my daughter having lived in a small room with a guy, but she assured me, he was gay and not interested in women at all. Let me assure you: I am praying for her without seizing!
To Be Continued...
THOUGHTS OF HOPE
You might think: "There she goes again! Always so chatty and excited in the beginning of some undertaking and then depressed and whining at the end.." You might be right!
Although I am a slave to my addiction, and it makes me feel guilty and hopeless, I am also a child of God, whose Will it is for me to live a healthy, happy, fulfilled life.
" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [she] is a new creation.[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
(II Cor. 5:17)
"“This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds, then he adds, “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more"."
(Heb.10:16,17)
God loves us unconditionally. Whether we are heroes or saints or the devil incarnate, God loves us. Long ago I understood the fundamental difference between God and Satan: even if you do evil, Satan still wants to destroy you. On the other hand, even if you go against God, He still wants to save you. When we pray to do God's will, He will always make it happen.
I accepted Jesus into my life, although for many years I allowed myself be destructed by a false ideology. It moves me to tears to think of being a "new creation", free from the failures of the past and the "feculent" (Mr. P.'s expression) influence of negative people.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
(I John 1:9)
So, that's the plan then! I will gather my strength and "gird my loins" (oh, dear God, not that picture in my mind!). I will repent to Heavenly Father of being weak and rebellious and receive His Grace of forgiveness and cleansing "from all unrighteousness". I will start over.
Although I am a slave to my addiction, and it makes me feel guilty and hopeless, I am also a child of God, whose Will it is for me to live a healthy, happy, fulfilled life.
" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [she] is a new creation.[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
(II Cor. 5:17)
"“This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds, then he adds, “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more"."
(Heb.10:16,17)
God loves us unconditionally. Whether we are heroes or saints or the devil incarnate, God loves us. Long ago I understood the fundamental difference between God and Satan: even if you do evil, Satan still wants to destroy you. On the other hand, even if you go against God, He still wants to save you. When we pray to do God's will, He will always make it happen.
I accepted Jesus into my life, although for many years I allowed myself be destructed by a false ideology. It moves me to tears to think of being a "new creation", free from the failures of the past and the "feculent" (Mr. P.'s expression) influence of negative people.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
(I John 1:9)
So, that's the plan then! I will gather my strength and "gird my loins" (oh, dear God, not that picture in my mind!). I will repent to Heavenly Father of being weak and rebellious and receive His Grace of forgiveness and cleansing "from all unrighteousness". I will start over.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
THOUGHTS OF REGRET AND HOPE
I didn't open the Blogger for a few days. What's the use? Why do I write? I started with the hope of expressing my innermost thoughts and memories. I did it in writing about my family's history and Moriko, but then the creative vein ran dry. I love working on my blog, telling you the goings-on in my family, but its not enough!
I need to change my life, but, as it happens so often, I soon run out of steam in whatever I do, then - lose faith in myself. Doesn't everything I do turn badly? I carry so much regret, it drowns every hope I might have.
Mr. P... Today, as I drove to his office for an appointment, I saw him standing by a car with a tall, elderly lady. I wasn't sure if I should interrupt their conversation, but they motioned for me to join them.
Anne Lamborn is Mr. P.'s client. She is a textile artist.
Recently Anne, who is now 71 years old, lost 140 lbs on Food Addicts Anonymous Program! That's, as they say, a whole another person!
Mr. P. introduced me to her to inspire me to try and shed the fat. It worked! Anne sat down with me on a bench adjacent to the house and showed me all the Food Addicts' meetings in our area. I found it pretty doable to attend some of them, especially, because I can do it with Mary!
After Anne left, I went to see Mr. P.
There is something, I don't like to tell you. Mr. P. is a talented counselor, but sometimes I feel, he can be a little too full of himself. By now I know a lot of things about him, his accomplishments and the hurdles he overcame in life, because he never shuts up about them. Perhaps, it gets on my nerves, since I just separated from a cultish environment of the Unification Church, where we were required to ooooh and aaaaaaaaaaah over Rev. and Mrs. Moon's every move or thought.
Now, that said, I am not willing to judge Mr. P. too harshly. I, myself, like to slip a few words about my pursuits in the conversations I might have with people around me. I too like being admired. Besides, Mr. P. can read me like a book!
Do I understand myself or the reasons I have for allowing myself to overindulge in food or TV? I need help figuring out these things, before I eat myself to death, thus completely undermining my own desire to live a life full of purpose and accomplishment.
To Be Continued...
I need to change my life, but, as it happens so often, I soon run out of steam in whatever I do, then - lose faith in myself. Doesn't everything I do turn badly? I carry so much regret, it drowns every hope I might have.
Mr. P... Today, as I drove to his office for an appointment, I saw him standing by a car with a tall, elderly lady. I wasn't sure if I should interrupt their conversation, but they motioned for me to join them.
 |
| Before |
 |
| After the weight loss |
Mr. P. introduced me to her to inspire me to try and shed the fat. It worked! Anne sat down with me on a bench adjacent to the house and showed me all the Food Addicts' meetings in our area. I found it pretty doable to attend some of them, especially, because I can do it with Mary!
After Anne left, I went to see Mr. P.
There is something, I don't like to tell you. Mr. P. is a talented counselor, but sometimes I feel, he can be a little too full of himself. By now I know a lot of things about him, his accomplishments and the hurdles he overcame in life, because he never shuts up about them. Perhaps, it gets on my nerves, since I just separated from a cultish environment of the Unification Church, where we were required to ooooh and aaaaaaaaaaah over Rev. and Mrs. Moon's every move or thought.
Now, that said, I am not willing to judge Mr. P. too harshly. I, myself, like to slip a few words about my pursuits in the conversations I might have with people around me. I too like being admired. Besides, Mr. P. can read me like a book!
Do I understand myself or the reasons I have for allowing myself to overindulge in food or TV? I need help figuring out these things, before I eat myself to death, thus completely undermining my own desire to live a life full of purpose and accomplishment.
To Be Continued...
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