TALK TO ME, NOT AT ME!

     I don't know, what's going on with me. I am fine in the morning, able to wash and clean and cook... In the afternoon, I become desperate and start feeling put-upon. That results in me not, actually, finishing some chores or errands and either buying food for dinner or refusing to make it and putting Taka in the position to order a take out.
     According to him, I am draining the family finances. He doesn't seem to be too concerned about the finances when he gets an urge to get a pie or some other treats. I only follow his example, thinking that now is not the time to scrimp and scrape...
     I also became aware of the fact that I didn't try to write anything of value these few months. I miss the itching in my soul, as I look for ideas and words to put them in. 
     I re-read Moriko and The Shelter. Did you read those stories? No one ever left me any comments about them, and a few people whose opinion I asked, didn't tell me anything that I could decisively interpret: either good or bad. I would appreciate any feedback from you, my readers!
     Hanah uses the bars and the shakes that are left from my Weight Management Program. She eats one normal meal a day, usually, dinner, but spends her days laying on the couch and staring into her IPod. 
     She worked on a Thank You card for her Japanese grandparents (they sent kids a good sum of money). It turned out to be a picture, about one foot by one foot, depicting a pine tree (the Toyoda family crest) in the foreground of a Japanese landscape. I thought that, it was even better that way.

After Hanah's dad looked at it and told her his opinion, she locked herself in the bathroom and didn't come out for a long time. I, following my new decision to speak with Taka honestly and not hide or accept his vague answers, asked him, what he thought of Hanah's picture. It took some time and nerves to get an answer out of him, because he is a master of leaving things unsaid and misunderstood. Finally, he squeezed it out, around a huge mouthful of food: "It's hard to get the point!" I pushed a little more, and he translated: "I thought, she was making a card. She needs to write a few sentences to thank the grandparents." 

    Hanah put her picture aside and didn't touch it since then. I am unsure, how to change that situation. I told Hanah that I loved it and gave her some honest remarks in regards to the picture. Her and Sonny's relationship with their dad consists of listening to his long tirades and ranting, which do not include any assurance of his love and support. Just now, I told him that he needed to first build up his Emotional Bank Account with children, instead of constantly barraging them with his ideas and complaints. I guess, my relationship with him is not strong enough to withstand me giving him advice: he walked off, slammed some door in the back of the house and now is talking at Sonny. 
   

LET GO AND LET GOD... AND THE KIDS.

     Our plans for Father's Day: Hanah will make a card for Taka, Sonny will bake a cake.
     It took me a few days of pushing and prodding to get Hanah to start working on the card. Last night, I lost all patience and

decided to go buy one. Another reason was to take Mr. P.'s advice and get out of the situation where people don't treat me right.
     I got dressed, grabbed my purse and the keys, but then Roberta announced that she was having belly cramps. That put a stop to my hopes of making a dramatic exit! We don't have any Maalox or Pepto-Bismol, so I wracked my brain for some ways to soothe cramps. Eureka! Taka recently brought  from the garden some Lemon Balm and Peppermint. I dried it, but had no idea, how to use those herbs. They are good for stomach problems! I told Roberta that I didn't know, if they are good for cramps, but she was happy to try.
     I put herbs in a large cup and poured hot water on them. In a few minutes I could see that the tea began to steep! I gave it ten more minutes, and at the end there was rich, dark liquid in the cup! Hallelujah! 
     I sat by Roberta, as she gingerly sipped her tea. Patience, Dina! In the mean time, I saw that Hanah began to move around, searching in her things for some paper, paints and colored pencils. She majores in art, and has those supplies with her on visits home. I asked nonchalantly: "So, should I go buy a card for Daddy?" She mumbled back: "If you do, I will be very disappointed..." I took it for a sign that she, actually, wants to make the card, but was just checking if we were serious about asking her! 
     I might have an exaggerated opinion of Hanah's art abilities, but imagine, if you will, Van Gogh's relatives asking him to make a card, and badgering him about it: "Hey, Vince, it doesn't look like you are doing anything. Why can't you slop some paint on the paper for your old man?!"
     That's my problem, you see: for every attempt at parenting I second guess myself a million times. May be, because of that the kids don't take me seriously?
     Roberta soon felt better under my ministrations and even decided to come with me to the Chinese store to buy some miso paste. We drove there, and she sat in the car, while I shopped. 
     On the way back I realized that it was already after seven, and dinner wasn't even started. I knew, what Taka would say about it, but there was no other choice: I called Sonny and asked him to order some pizza or Chinese delivery. 
     We supped casually on pizzas, munched on the blueberries and raspberries from the garden and finished our meal with watermelon and Green Tea Mochi that I brought from the Chinese store. Nice, huh?
     Hanah is on the diet. She uses the shakes and bars that I have left over from my Weight Management Program and eats one normal meal a day. She stayed true to her undertaking and didn't eat any pizza. I had to cut up and broil some cauliflower for her and added  a few pieces of nice string cheese. 
     Sonny emerged from his room at one in the morning, asking Hanah to help him make cake for Father's Day. After kicking some ideas around, I declared: "Let's just buy cake!" - and the kids felt relieved. 
     Unfortunately, Park brought to us two pounds of strawberries, and Hanah already purchased a pound of blackberries for the cake. So, today, after the church, Sonny decided to make some fruit topping to put on top of the cake. 
     I am relating these things to you, but you have to understand something else ... 
     1. Sonny slept non-stop today. He slept until the last minute (and later) before we left for church. He slept at the church, slumped on a bench next to me. When he came home, with all the plans to make the kompot and give Taka his card and present (I got him  fancy sun-screen that came with a big mango - a gift from a grateful Mary Kay saleslady), Sonny went to sleep! 
     2. I can't stop b....ing this whole last week! I yelled at my sister - my only close relative and a person who loves me; I keep nagging at kids and would not be patient. 
     Sonny went to sleep, Hanah had to work on some theater designs. Taka, Roberta and Reina needed to have lunch; and that's besides the intended Father's Day celebration, for which I was gearing for two days! I made soup for Taka and Reina and told them to eat rice with seaweed, as well as leftover pizza. That left Roberta. I made her a soup too, but she told me that she was not hungry. 
     "S-o-o-o-n-n-y-y-y! You need to make that kompot! H-a-a-a-ah-a-n-a-ah! You need to help me clean and set the table!!!"
     All my yelling, cajoling and accusing were in vein! No one wanted to do anything that I said! Taka called Hanah to the garden to help him saw a tree in chunks, and she readily went there, but all my requests were ignored.
     I gave up and went to sleep. Yes, I, actually, got into bed, closed my eyes and tried to forget everything. It didn't happen!
     Taka woke me up to call me to help eat the berries. Apparently, all I needed to do was to step out of the kitchen for him to get into the role of a person providing nourishment! I refused to cooperate and stayed in bed.
     Then Hanah knocked on the door, saying: "Let's just do the celebration, since we are all getting together to eat berries! People keep invading the only place I have for myself: the living room! I can't even work!" 

The remains of the Blueberry Custard pie,
with the berry topping made  by Sonny.
On the background you can see a pot
with miso soup and a big yellow bawl of berries.

     I understood Hanah's frustration. She put up with a lot, letting Reina stay in her room and sleeping and - everything - on the couch. I got up and made my way to the festivities.
     Before Taka knew that we had a couple of things to give him, he declared that this was a good time for a family movie. Hanah moved in, though, and presented her card and our gift to him. 

She made it look like a man's shirt front with a tie

     
     

     

and inside we all signed the card. I love the button
in the right corner, don't you?

     We had some pie with kompot, ate berries and watched a movie. It turned out fine in the end. All I had to do was let go of an idea that I could control everyone and everything!

     There, - the end.

OF ANGELS, CATS AND POETRY

     Mr. P. called me before our scheduled appointment and asked, if it was OK to meet at his new place of residence instead of the Alameda library, where we usually have our sessions. 

     I came to his house, which he rents now from an old lady staying in the Assisted Living Home. The living room was cheery, with plush yellow carpet. On a low coffee table stood, perhaps, thirty ceramic angels and even more of them decorated the corners of the small room! "You are, obviously, well taken care off in here" - I said. 

     Mr. P. brought out a large, opaque-beige cat. It was a long haired Himalayan, with the pushed-in nose of that breed. My counselor stuck the fur ball into my arms, and I glanced into her blue eyes. She did not look pleased! Like many cats with the flat faces, she had trouble breathing. Plus to unfriendly demeanor, she kept snorting and wheezing, so I quickly dropped her on the canary hued carpet. The cat settled to check, if all her parts were in place, thoroughly licking them as she listened to our conversation.
      "If you wrote a book, what would be it's name? If you were in a parade, where would you like to be? If you could go back to when you were 19, what in your life would you do differently?" 
     Those were the questions on the Un-game cards. Mr. P. suggests that game to us, and uses it as a means to break ice in the beginning of a session. That was the first time he did that with me, and I liked that I could concisely relay an outlook on my life.
     "If I wrote a book, the title would be: "Searching for a better life"". "If I was in a parade, I would like to just seat on the side of the street, looking on, and leave when I get bored". "If I became 19 years old again, I would tell myself not to have such a tragic view on things as I used to have, and take them in stride". Now I think, the answer to that question should've been: "Believe in God and let Him work in your life".
     Mr. P. took out a thick, leather bound tome. I just wanted to ask if it was a Bible, when he said: "This is not a Bible!" It was a book of poetry by Edgar Guest. He read to me some of the poems, which were all about a person striving to live a modest, simple life of service to others. I quite enjoyed them, and we had a lot to talk about afterwords.
     The best part of the session came when we began talking of Taka's relationship with Sonny. I told Mr. P. how Taka badgers our son for hours, and Sonny comes out of those one-sided conversations ever more stooped-over and defeated. Mr. P. suggested that, I should talk to Sonny, to tell him that, every time he feels overwhelmed by his dad's ranting, he should get out on the house for a few hours. I can even send him on some errand, to provide a reason, why he should leave right away. It's a good idea, and I didn't want to sound negative, but on many an occasion, when I tried to extricate Sonny out of Taka's talking sessions, Taka wouldn't let him leave. Perhaps, it will work from now on!
     As we talked, the cat stayed between us, sometimes licking herself, sometimes sneezing or dragging her fuzzy behind on the carpet to relieve some itch. Mr. P. told me that, since her owner was at the Assisted Living place, the cat stayed in the house alone for a year and a half. Someone would come every couple of days to give her food and clean litter, - that 's all! Now, she enjoyed human company and didn't leave us even for a short bit. She became friendlier too: at one point, she rolled over on her side, showing us a furry belly, and looked at me, flirting! I even imagined her batting her eyes at me!
     

IN DIFFERENT LANES

     Hanah is at home. I have a thousand reasons to get upset: she doesn't help, doesn't talk with Reina, doesn't do much of anything except sitting or lying on the couch that became her room this stay at home and either watch videos or work on her drawings. This last thing is OK by me: she is doing it for her theater job. Well, she doesn't really get payed, but getting such consistent experience at your future occupation is also valuable! They use Hanah's designs for stage scenery, plays' posters and make-up that she made all the time, as she told me!
     She is at home and I have a thousand complaints and - I am happy! Or, rather, content! 
     Today we went to the pool together with Hanah and Reina. The girls had to endure a little bit of the sales talk concerning joining the gym,  but since I DO want Hanah to get a gym membership for the few weeks that she will spend at home, so that she can exercise and also be my pool buddy for one more day a week, - we didn't mind too much.
     Young people are so weird! May be it's just my kids?! Hanah would not talk with Reina, would not get to know her; and Sonny is, probably, the same. I feel bad: it must be painful for my niece from Japan, and lonely too! But what can I do? I can't push Hanah and Sonny to become friends with Reina. I asked them a few times to talk to her, but things didn't move forward beyond that. Is it natural for people of their age to shy away from each other? I wish, I knew!
     The water was cool. I grabbed a couple of weights and began walking up and down the pool lane. pushing the weights with styrofoam ends under the water and feeling the resistance that will help me lose belly fat and strengthen my core. Hanah and Reina began to swim in two other lanes, looking away whenever they happened to stop next to each other. It was awkward, and the girls had pained expressions on their faces, but I ignored it: I came there to exercise, and everything else was besides the point. In about twenty minutes, the door to the pool area opened and a very fat black man walked in, followed by someone who was pushing his wheelchair. The black man walked into the pool, and his companion just sat in the wheelchair with a book to wait.
     For a few minutes the man in the pool jumped up and down at the opposite end of the pool than us. Then he began to make his way towards us. I glanced at the girls. Reina, probably, never was in close proximity to black people, and I didn't know, what her reaction would be. 
     The man stopped at the end where we were. He huffed and puffed a little, as he did his best to make his muscles work, then asked me about the weights that I was using. That was the beginning of a very lively conversation between us about the weight loss. The girls took off swimming, and after a while I followed them, pushing my devices up, down and to both sides. I didn't ask Reina about her experience: it seems too confronting, somehow, to talk to her about the race issues.
     
     
 

THE ANATOMY OF AN EXERCISE

     How is my weight loss going, you ask? It's going, but I don't know, which way!
     I realized that, without some effort on my part to promote the weight loss, I will soon start gaining everything that I managed to lose back, and, as most of you, fellow dieters out there, know, the lost pounds like to bring company, when they come rolling back!
     I called Mary. We used to go to the pool together; then I got sick, and our pool exercises stopped. I am upset with her: she didn't make any attempt to even keep in touch when I was sick, never mind trying to help! But I need an exercise buddy, and she is the only one who wants to do it. 
     We decided to go on Sunday. Taka took kids to Monterey Bay Aquarium, and it was a good time to take care of myself. Mary said that she will bring her youngest son and let him play in a children's room, while we'll be in the pool. 
     What was that saying about men planning and God smiling at that?
     As I drove up to the 24-Hour-Fitness building, I saw Mary and her son emerge from it's doors. Uh-oh!
     24-Hour-Fitness closed children's play rooms in it's cheaper facilities! Mary could not let her boy sit in the car for an hour while we exercised! He couldn't hang by the side of the pool or in the gym either! The only thing left to do was to forget about pool. Or was it?
      I suggested that she should take her son home, and we could meet for a coffee after I finish swimming. Feeling proud of my newly found  determination, but very insecure on my own, I went to the gym by myself.
     The pool area was filled with men! Oh, my God, there were at least 10 of them there! A couple of women were treading water, but they were few and far in between. 
     I, in my modest one piece swim suit, passed the guys sitting on a bench, looking at the pool and, with a grim expression, lowered myself into the water. If they wanted to watch me, it would be to their own detriment!
     Mary did me a favor by not coming! I stuck to my exercises and tried not to look around. The view was not very pleasant, anyway! As someone of a rotund physique, I can't talk about the men's big bellies proudly exposed to the world. I can, however, mention that, not one pair of swim trunks rested where it belonged! I think, I willed myself to go blind for a while, rather than watch hairy ... parts of anatomy ... floating in the water everywhere around me!

COLD SHOULDER

        Last Sunday, I went to the Creekside Community Church in San Leandro. It was by Mr. P.'s invitation, and Teresa, Doris and Roberta from my Al Anon group (Doris and Roberta also being from my own church) were supposed to come too.

     I find it harder and harder relating to my church's ideas, agenda and attitudes. For a while I went to Sunday Services and other events to keep in touch with people whom I knew. I considered them my friends, just by virtue of them being in the same church and because they went through a lot of the same experiences as I there. Over the years, however, I came to realize that,                                                                    my community was not what it was supposed to be! First, I lost faith in the leaders, then - in the goals of the Unification Church. Then, one by one, people around me abandoned me, and I began to understand that I - and they - have been duped to think that, ours was a way to build a heavenly environment, but, in fact, the leadership was only concerned about money, and members (including myself) didn't       learn, didn't evolve in all the years we've been working in the church into better human beings, although we try to attract and teach others. I also felt that people in my congregation were cold and unwelcoming toward each other.

Pastor of my church.

     So, I began to look for another church. I am capable of connecting with God through prayer and in my thoughts, but I like belonging to a community of believers. 
     Roberta and I were on time for Sunday Service. Mr. P. and Teresa with her daughter came soon. Doris never showed up. I was not surprised: she called me, and I said that I will pick her up, if she can be on time. She opted for going by herself. Perhaps, I should've been more concerned about my acquaintance than about being punctual? She is late a lot, that's her trait, but should I feel superior and alienate her because of it?
     I liked that the songs that we sang to the accompaniment of a small band were original and written by the lead singer. The pastor wore simple slacks and a polo shirt. He talked of success, as God sees it. I listened for a while, then drifted peacefully into a dreamworld. 
     Mr. P. nudged me, and I came to to hear things that I really was trying to find out about success and how to find it! 
     The congregation at Creekside looked very nice. They were people of different races and ages; many of them brought children. Some                                                           welcomed me and Roberta, especially at the time allotted for it in the Service. But I sensed a coldness there. They would introduce themselves and shake my hand with a smile, but their eyes would then slide away uncomfortably, and none of them wanted to talk to me after the sermon finished. I gave it some time: I didn't leave right away or anything like that! I checked, if what I was feeling was true. No one came over to welcome us as visitors. Even Mr. P. busied himself talking to Teresa and her child. Roberta and I sat right behind his back, as he chatted with Teresa, but he never bothered to include us in a conversation. After a while, I got Roberta and brought her to the car. I had the same cold feeling at Creekside as in my own church! 
     I went to say goodbye to Mr. P. and Teresa then. Didn't want to be impolite. He asked me, if I saw the difference between that church and my own. I said: "No!" 
     "Well," - he said in a very pedantic tone - "God's spirit is here!" 
     "As I understand it" - was my reply - "God's spirit is everywhere!"
     As doubting as I am about my deeds and perceptions, I believe that I was not wrong in seeing the Creeekside for what it is: a fine place, if you already belong to it, but a cold shoulder, if you don't.

   
     

VARIOUS LUMPS

A few days in pictures...

This lump on the couch is Hanah! Her friend drove her home from Arcata, where they live. The friend slept on another couch and left early in the morning.

Sylvie is usually very suspicious of strangers,

but, for some reason, she chose Hanah's friend, Marissa, as her new best friend.

Chickie, who was, originally, Hanah's cat, for a couple of days absolutely refused to acknowledge her, until I came home and found him just soaking up Hanah's ministrations to him!

He even got up and turned over to let Hanah brush his other side!

We went to Sushi Boat again to celebrate Hanah's return and to treat Marissa to some Japanese food. 

                                                                                                                                                           

It was fun sitting at the table with all these young people!

That's Sonny, with a piece of sashimi hanging in front of his face from the chopsticks.