IT HURTS SO GOOD! or BE AUTHENTIC!

     For the last couple of hours, I'm enduring the cries of frustration from Sonny. I guess, it's my fault for buying cheap furniture with inadequate instructions and stupid assembly. I guess...
     We went to buy a shelf for the living room, and found one that can double as a table for my stuff. Sonny was very helpful in analyzing the available furniture as by it's usefulness to our purpose. He was the muscles that carried shelf to the house. Then, his patience came to an end!
     Right away we made a mistake and had to redo the steps that we finished. It happened again and again. I stopped giving advice or comment on Sonny's progress, because then his anger turned to me. I am telling myself that, this is good, he will learn from his mistakes and emotional anguish. And he will.
     He put some nice music on in an attempt to ease his labors. I ordered him Chinese food delivery, to provide some comfort. Just now he turned the table over, and the shelf that he managed to finally screw in fell down. A small comment escaped me then, and Sonny glared at me. I mimed locking my lips and throwing away the key. That seemed to make him happier.
     Taka came to ask if there was any food to eat. I told him that, it was coming, and he replied that I am draining the family finances. I bet, if I didn't order food, he would've done it, even if there was dinner prepared tonight.
     Sylvie slinked around the room, alarmed by all these  new smells and frantic activity. Her bright green eyes searched our faces, and she went sniffing the floor, checking out the parts of the table lying there. She tried to jump on my lap, but, alas, her fat little body is not very agile: she failed, attempted to hold on to my dress with her claws, heard my anguished screams (her claws raked my thigh) and scrambled over my chest and shoulder to the top of the couch. I immediately forgot pain and began to scratch her under the chin to comfort yet another member of my family.
     In Al Anon, we hear that, we do not always have to try and placate others to avoid conflict. At least I now know, that being a goody-too-shoes and lower than the grass when it comes to dealing with others' negative emotions, does not solve problems. Mr. P. keeps repeating it: "Being authentic in a relationship sometimes means disagreeing with each other, and that gives rise to better intimacy".

AT THE AIRPORT

     The house seems especially empty today. Lera is gone back to Denmark, and ... I'm sad!
     She was brave to travel by herself. It's not a simple matter to manage a long flight, heavy luggage, the lack of English and the transfers between planes. It's no wonder, she felt nervous before the return journey! It didn't help that I felt crabby yesterday morning, and we kept snapping at each other!

     The initial plan was to go to the airport together with Sonny and Roberta. I wouldn't have been able to walk the required

distances on my painful feet, so Sonny had to push me in a wheel chair. Yes, it's that bad! 
     Roberta loves to tag along, even though she also has trouble walking and uses a fancy walker, which she calls Mercedes. Now she had an added reason to want to come with us: she was afraid to face Park alone, if he decided to show up, and we were all gone. Upon thinking things through, though (wow, - four "th" words in a row!), we realized that, there was no way for us to fit everything: the luggage, the wheelchair and Roberta's Mercedes - in a van with the four of us. I got my nerve together and asked Roberta to stay home. And it's a good thing that I did!
     Everything went smoothly at the airport, until we realized that we went to the International Terminal instead of the Domestic one. Now we had to go some ways to take an Airtrain to bring us to a right place. 

     Sonny said that it was not too difficult to push me, so  I was quite enjoying the thoughts of how great it was that I could just sit in the wheelchair, instead of hobbling all those hallways on my own! We came upon the place with a moving path, and decided to get on it. I was a little concerned about people stuck behind us (they couldn't pass my wheelchair), but remembered Mr. P.'s words of being kind to myself and stopped worrying. The moving path came to an end and... the wheelchair got stuck! Sonny could not push it out! My feet were on the foot-rests, I needed time to fold them up to get off the chair, and people behind us began to run in place, because they had no other way to keep from running into Sonny! Imagine, if Roberta was there too! She and Mercedes would've have to do a moonwalk, like Michael Jackson, to stay on her feet!
     I don't know, how amazed the poor fellows in the back were to see a previously disabled-looking person (myself) suddenly spring off the chair, when I finally was able to do it. I was too embarrassed to look back!

     We continued on, trying to keep up to Lera, who was pushing a luggage cart. Sonny, who watches too much Anime, had a thought and asked me if the airport was a good place to run away from zombies. We chatted about that for a while, then got scared when we came to a totally deserted place with sliding doors which stood ajar. It was an eerie feeling, like there really was a zombie attack at the airport! That's what we get for thinking about those silly things!
     
  The Airtrain took us to the right 
terminal (it took turns so fast that I
 had to hold on to a pole to keep from rolling around the wagon. Sonny forgot to set the  wheelchairs breaks). I did another "It's a miracle, I can walk!" show for the passers by: got off the chair and went to the counter to help Lera get checked in. 

Lera said, these are Danish design chairs!

     It was another couple of hours yet until boarding. Sonny, who lugged his laptop all that way, discovered that there was no internet available.

                                  He gave up and did what he does best: fell asleep. Lera and I talked and laughed, she drunk her Starbucks'

coffee which I got for her (I foolishly didn't check the prices. Taka will have my hide for spending so much money on treating
Lera. No matter, she deserves much more!). 
     When the time came for Lera to go through the security checkpoint, we were both sad. She began to cry, which set me off. Who knows, when or if we will see each other again! Even so, Lera's tears were a balm to my soul. She cares. I am not alone. 
     
     
     

NORMAL?

     The day before Lera leaves for Denmark.

     Curry is cooking on the stove, rice is made. I dispatched Sonny to the store (again! It seems like we constantly need something!), and am trying to remember, what else I am supposed to do. 

     I can't get rid of the feeling that I am missing something. Or, - something is amiss. Is that normal? I should be at peace: Lera has done a lot to take care of me and my home. Just having her here is wonderful, she is my only remaining family, except for Taka and the kids. Taka is more of a boss than a husband, and the kids' agenda at this point in their lives is themselves. So Lera is the only   person in the whole world that can be there for me, when I need her. Is that normal?! I guess, some people have noone. I should be very grateful!

     Roberta recently took me to her room and asked to close the door, before starting to speak. She told me that, she expressed to Park a wish that they see each other at least once a week. It stemmed from a humiliation that she suffered, when people at the church were asking her, what he was doing, and she could not answer them. Park agreed and promised to come on Friday evening. Roberta made sure that her door from the street was opened, tidied up her little room; even made him a cup of tea. He didn't show up. It's been a few days, and he never called or came to explain his behavior. 

     I am trying to be sensitive to her feelings. No matter if they are genuine love or just a desire to belong, she is entitled to them. I only feel bad for her: to depend for comfort on someone of Park's flaky nature - at her age!

Lera and Roberta at the restaurant table

     In the morning Lera and I discovered that all of my dishes were dirty. I am still suffering from gout, and she didn't feel like washing a mountain of crockery first thing in the morning, so she took us to eat breakfast at a local restaurant! She spent a fortune on us during her visit! 

     I took pictures. Sonny, as usual, tried to resist

                         

                                

(I have a collection of the photos of his hand), but submitted to Lera taking a shot of him.

                                           Then - two!

                                                              

     

COULD BE WORSE!

     How old. How tall. One's gender. Get on the scales and get depressed. 
     I quit my diet to have a chance to get rid of gout, but gout is there and I didn't lose any weight these couple of weeks. I didn't gain any either, and that's a relief!
     Today Lera and I went shopping. Among other things we bought scales and, upon coming home, set them and got weighed. That's when I felt down. Apparently, I am more than twice Sonny's weight! I am not going to go into other reasons, why my weight upset me. 
     A-a-a-anyway, on a lighter note... I have a theory that, it's my family's fortune that makes us susceptible to all kinds of strange occurrences. Things happen to us that would never happen to other people...
     Lera walked into a 99 cents Store, swearing that all she will buy there will be some cups and paper plates. I first stood parked right by the entrance, but as the security officer frowned and shook his finger at me, I moved to another place. Time passes slowly when someone shops and you wait for them in the parking lot. Still, she was taking so long! I moved the car back to the entrance, afraid that Lera would, somehow, go looking for me and we'd get lost. Half an hour more passed. She, finally, showed up and got in the car. I said: "You must've bought a lot of cups!" - and she dissolved into an embarrassed laughter.
     As she squeezed the words out, I began to laugh too. 
     Lera found the cups and a few more things to buy. She already paid and checked out, when she remembered the paper plates. She asked a clerk, where they were, left her cart with bought groceries and went away for a few minutes. When she came back, the clerk already took things from Lera's cart to be put back on the shelves! 
     Fortunately, Lera kept her receipt and was able to prove that she paid! Now, tell me if you think that, something like that could happen to you!

     

POKER AND TUNA FISH

        We turned the house upside down and back!
      Lera came to believe that, if we do some re-shuffling of the furniture in the living room, we'd have better and more comfortable decor. She convinced me, and we began to slowly sort things out and away to move furniture around.
     It took awhile, and with every cleared space or cabinet, more and more debris was left lying around the room. At the darkest moment, it seemed that the house was never cleaned at all!
     It's still dirty. Today the plan was to finish re-decorating by vacuuming. Unfortunately, the side of my foot is pink and achy, and it's up to Lera and Sonny to do everything!

Roberta is our dealer (I'm talking about card game!)

     That happened over a few last days. Lera and I lived following an easy schedule the week before. Roberta taught me to play poker, and now Lera joined our group. I believe that, it's vital for Roberta to use her brains and wits to stay sharp, and poker is great for it. I, myself, think that that game is too easy. There, I said it: easy! Except for the art of bluffing, everything depends, mostly, on luck. When I tried to introduce Roberta to a Russian card game, the Fool, she almost had a conniption from too much thinking. So, poker it is!

     We, probably, played a few hundred games. Otherwise, Lera followed me on different errands. She went to Alameda with me, when I had appointments with Mr. P., and spent time walking around Alameda downtown or a mall, or reading in the library. Last Wednesday, we went together to Al Anon meeting. She takes care of me and pampers me. We went to a crepe cafe and had some amazing concoctions with chicken, mushrooms and spinach.


     With everything that we had to do for re-decorating, I also had to make meals. It took two tuna cans and a lot of fresh vegetables to create lunch. Lera, I and Taka had tuna on a salad bed. Roberta opted for a tuna fish sandwich. Chicken Bone had tuna water from two cans, licked two tuna cans and a couple of plates clean and begged and begged for tuna scraps at the table. I found him looking totally spent in a sunny patch by the window. To tell the truth, I had to check if he was breathing! 

He is so full, he looks like a dead cat.

Poor glutton slept for a few hours, then I saw him on the dining room table, looking for something to eat.

     


 

GOD AND BUDDAH

     Everything are going fine, but my mood is glum. Perhaps, it's that Western habit of expecting things to soon change for the better. My foot hurts, but, surely, it will stop soon! Gout keeps reappearing? Next time will be different! 
     I don't know for sure, but I heard that the essence of the Buddhist teachings is: "this is as good as it gets." Meaning that, deal with the present situation and don't hope for the better. If only I could be happy doing just that!
     Yesterday, I thought suddenly that I omit one important factor from this reasoning. God. Whether my Heavenly Parents will choose to help me or not, I also don't know, but for the sake of the relationship with them, I must have hope. Am I right? 

TULIPS, GRAVES AND CANDY

A couple more days in pictures.

Tulips opened on the dining room's table and let us see their fiery hearts.

We went to visit my parents's graves in Colma. I was so glad that my sister was with me: I seem to feel stronger and stronger the grief of mom's and dad's passing.

That little city has at least four-five cemeteries. The saddest  is a military one: so many grave markers, unrecognizable one from another. I took a picture of it through my car window.

At night, Roberta made a visit to the living room, where Lera and I were watching TV and eating some candy. We shared our treats and were delighted to see the pretty ribbon from the candy box decorate Roberta's gray hair!

Chickie helped me make turkey meat balls. He oversaw the process, 

although at the end, I think, he realized that we will not let him sample the meat.

Today Lera colored my hair. This is an early phase of the process.