SHELTER

    

 For a little while I tried and almost forgot about the role that my children might play in the fortunes of mankind. It's autumn, after-all, busy time of harvesting in our small gardens and gathering foods and herbs in the forest that we will need in coming winter. Hunters go out every day and stay out long. They bring killed prey, and we spend most of our days butchering it and curing meat and pelts. It's hard work, but it keeps me from the unwelcome thoughts about my family's future.
     At night we hear taiga. There is no real silence here. A noise of a startled bird or a deer, the wind in the ancient trees - they surround our little community, they are the background of the normal current of life. Time to time, we hear wolves. Then Midori answers them with howls full of desire to belong, but, more often than not, she limps into our yard injured after meeting members of her species. Terrible wounds heal remarkably fast, though. In a day or so she begins to feel too closed in inside the house, and we open door for her to go back into the forest. The village dogs can't stand a sight of her, but one look at the raised crest of stiff red and blue hair on her spine (she grew it over the last winter) sends them yipping and hiding under the bushes.
     Tonight is too hot and muggy. The moment that I open the window, the pandemonium breaks out. Midori howls in the distance, but these are not her usual calls. She sounds urgent,  almost barks at times! The dogs in our village and the Evenks' too take up the howling. Lights go on in the houses and yurts, people yell to each other.
     In the morning, a party is sent to explore the reasons for last night's disturbance. They find an abandoned camp not a mile away from where we live. Straight lines in which the tents were pitched and the fires lit up, as well as the acrid smell of the ammo, tell them that there are soldiers wandering our woods.
     Midori keeps howling. We can hear that she is moving around the perimeter of some unknown area, keeping the village as a center. Then she falls silent.
     Men in khaki uniforms walk into the village. They carry guns, tents and supplies. The Evenks meet them, but they are forced to stand down under the barrels of the guns pointed at them. 
     I go ahead of a small group of men with my hands raised in a gesture of peace and calm. The leader of the military comes towards me. He is a tall black man in his forties who introduces himself as Captain Sawanni. I ask about the reason for their presence in taiga. He just shrugs and says, the less I know, the safer my people will be.
     I don't argue with him, but invite him to my home. Amur and Dular are hanging behind the welcoming committee, their eyes as round as saucers.

To Be Continued...

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THINGS GET UNDERSTOOD

     So-o-o peppy! And yet, - so-o-o-o sad. I couldn't pin-point the reason for my melancholy. The New Year was met calmly and in the midst of the family, I am attending Al Anon meetings and sessions with Mr. P. I should be feeling liberated and healthy. I am not.
     Last night I went to the Al Anon meeting. Afterwords a friend and I went for a bite to eat. We talked about a bunch of things, when I happened to mention how Janine, my past acquaintance, always ditched me for her other friends. My friend said: "How awful!" 
     The hardest thing to do for me  is to confront friends. I never told Janine, how much I was hurt by her abandonment, no - betrayals - when she chose to completely forget about me during our travels, in favor of others. 
     At a  meeting last night someone shared a similar story. I felt numb and helpless. 
     I told my friend with whom I was out eating: "You think, that's awful? As awful as what you did to me the night of the potluck dinner at church?!" I was not impolite or even aggravated. I only decided to let her know my feelings.
     On the said night, she and I put together a little plan. I won't tell you what it was exactly, because I don't want someone to know about it. That is not the main point of the story.
     My family arrived to the church cafeteria on time. We sat at a table. I took out some papers from my purse and told my husband and kids to use them to show that the rest of the seats at the table were occupied. "Our friends, the ... (her family name), are coming too. We should sit together!"
     Her husband was already there. I tried to invite him to sit with us, but he didn't know the plan and had no reason to want to do it. He realized, though, that his wife mistakenly thought that, dinner will start at 7:30 pm instead of 6. She was going to be too late!. 
     I understood that our plan failed. A bit put off, I told my family to let other people sit at our table and tried to deal with my disappointment. After a while, my friend arrived, to almost empty tables. I tried to greet her, but she just looked past me and went to a different table, where she spent the rest of the evening talking to someone else with her back to the room and to me.
     She is not a safe person for me: too many issues, too little interest in making our friendship work. She has some other people with whom she spends time, and even driving to and from Al Anon meetings she prefers to talk to others in the car. I get that. She is not interested. Then why make plans with me only to break them at her first inconvenience? 
     I told her about my disappointment last night. She was shocked to hear it, because she was oblivious to my feelings at potluck dinner and blocked out our entire scheme. She apologized to me, saying that she didn't mean to do it. 
     The thing is, even though I didn't share with her my thoughts that she was not a safe person for me, she really is not! I get sucked into trying to help her with her problems, but it's a one sided relationship. 
     I, probably, should treat it as a loss and count my blessings. It could be much worse. I could be getting deeper and deeper into the mire of her problems without any returned efforts or even attention from her. I should consider myself lucky that the therapy and Al Anon helped me see things as they are and not as my cowardly, starving for real friendship heart wants them to be!

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND - WE ARE THE W-O-O-O-O-RLD!

The New Year is here! Hallelujah! What will it bring? What will we take from it to carry to a new year yet?
     I left you on the evening before. I had a plan: go sleep until about 11 pm, so that I would have strength to stay up a little bit at night to call and wish my sister in Denmark Happy New Year. I slept until 11:30, got up, still so drowsy that my eyes didn't want to open. That's when I heard Sonny's voice: "Mommy, Daddy, Auntie Hitomi is calling on Facebook from Japan!"

Hitomi is in the center, Reina is on the right side and Serena - on the left.

     

     My wonderful sister-in-law, Hitomi, and her daughters, Reina and Serena, called! Takashi-san, their father, helped to set up the camera and have a conversation, but then bowed out of it politely. Perhaps, he had to go somewhere. 
     Last time that I saw my nieces was in Japan, in 1997, I think. They are about the same age as my kids, maybe, a little older, so they were 4-6 years old. I could tell right away who was who, because they still look like they did before! Same cute, fresh faces, same characters. Reina (on the right) is the elder. She studies Environmental Engineering in Korea. Serena is just a year or so younger. She is a student of Nursing. Their little sister, Haruna, is working on Anime art at Pixar!
     We all piled up in front of the laptop. At first we kept on laughing and waving like maniacs, then Taka started to translate the snippets of conversations that erupted between different people. I couldn't see very well, who was in the camera shot from our side, so I tried to move to let my kids be seen. They were surprisingly social, talked and laughed freely. We wished each other everything good under the stars, asked about Taka's and Hitomi's parents, then it was 2 minutes before the New Year! We grabbed a bottle of Martinelli Champagne (sparkling apple juice) and on the other side of the world Hitomi opened a bottle of something too. We toasted the New Year's arrival with our relatives. It was the best feeling that I had since my own family either died or moved away! 
     The conversation continued for a while. Reina is thinking of coming to the U.S. to study English. We offered her Hanah's room to stay and our hospitality. 
     Both cats realized that, something interesting was happening, so they climbed on top of our human pile and sniffed and rubbed around questioningly. That, of course, elicited a lot of giggles on both sides of the Pacific! 
     While we were talking with Hitomi and her girls, a Skype chime sounded! My sister was dialing from Denmark! I couldn't disconnect from Hitomi to speak with her!'
     Finally, after warm good byes, we hung up. Although our mood was happy and festive, my kids immediately said: "Call Lera (my sister) and beg her forgiveness!"
    
 But she didn't answer.
     Usually, as was customary in my parents' family, the New Year's eve and it's arrival are a big event. We always made a big meal that could last until morning, filled with special delicacies. After 12 midnight, it was usual to celebrate with cakes, sweets and deli stuffs, like smoked salmon, caviar, good cheese, salami, - you get the point! This year I got corn chips, dip and Martinelli champagne. OK, I also bought some cheap lox and frozen coconut cake that is still waiting to be eaten. You know what?            I liked this New Year's better than most others! There were no unrealistic expectations of children and husband helping to set up a table, no exhaustion from cooking and disappointment when no one appreciated the meal. I liked that we felt free to go to the table, scoop some dip with chips and not worry that we'd drip on an expensive table cloth or spill drinks on it. My mom, probably, turned in her grave, but we didn't get anxious about this get-together at all!                                                                                              
     SO, what about my sister? Did I just leave her to stew in resentment for not answering her Skype call? Never! I dialed and dialed for hours, but - to no avail.
     Kids and husband satisfied their sweet and salty teeth (you know that expression: "Sweet tooth"?) and went to bed. I kept on calling and watching a British TV drama The Forsyte Saga. I read a book on which it was based when I was fifteen!
     At five o'clock in the morning I decided to go to bed. That's when Lera called me and said that she was not upset at all, - she called me once and went to bed, peacefully unaware of the guilt trip that she caused. On the other side of the Atlantic...