Friday, February 20, 2015
AL ANON OR OFF?
I was s-o-o-o-o tired! Hating myself for doing it, I opened my mouth and told Roberta: "You know, I think, once in two weeks is enough to go to Al Anon. We stay home tonight!"
That was two days ago. Today Mr. P. raised the question of me attending the meetings again. He fervently believes, that the ideas and traditions of that organization are the key to a person's growth and recovery.
- "I remember, Dina, how you defined one of your life's goals as building healthy reciprocal friendships. You can meet wonderful people at Al Anon. In fact, you missed a great session on Wednesday!"
Seven, eight years ago, I would have latched on to the idea that, people, whom I would see one time a week, could become my dearest friends. Fortunately, unfortunately, - I was cured of such delusions by the, so called, "friends" I had, who prefered to forget, I even existed!
Mr. P. and I were two thirds into our session this time, when all this came up. Interrupting him is difficult, but I do it, when I consider something too important to keep to myself. So, I expressed my reservations about looking for buddies among the Al Anon bunch.
Mr. P. calls it "a classical 'Dina' move", when I suddenly touch on some essential topic so late in the session. The thing is,
1. He has his definite ideas in the beginning of our appointment, what we should talk about and leads our conversation in that direction, and,
2. He himself can't (or prefers not to) leave such things to fester until the next Friday!
And so, on we went, way after the session was over, discussing my difficulties in making real relationships with people whom I know.
I tried to tell him the sorry tale of me, trying to tell straight to some of such acquaintances, why I was upset with them, but it didn't seem to help. Mr. P. was unmoved. He insisted:
- "I simply state my truth and leave it at that."
Which, as I see it, means, I need to have a right attitude, when talking to people, not trying to guilt, shame or accuse them of anything or to change them.
I don't think, I can be that selfless. Can you?
On the other hand, he said, everything I express to them, should be told to make amends to myself, and not impress anyone. If I can focus on that, I can do it!
But will that help me make friends?
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I am not in agreement with you. I would be very careful about assuming what is going on in another, including myself and so-called agenda. These are your imaginings. It is extremely dangerous to assume they are absolutely true. This is a control issue of yours.
ReplyDeleteIt may make life more black and white, but, it isn't necessarily true.
"A man who has friends must show himself friendly" Proverbs 18:24. The common denominator in all your problems with others is you. If you continue to be judgmental and harbor grudges towards others, they pick that spirit up, and will not want to relate with you. Who would? Not me.
I see strong vestiges of Rimka that permeate you and make you critical towards others. Not good.
Love is what draws people towards us. Not a chip on our shoulder. In your complaints of others, I have not heard grace demonstrated, at all.
Pablo, I don't think, you read my post carefully. I am not insisting on my point of view. I am willing to try it your way, but I am not a robot to forget the past. I do show myself friendly, more so, than anyone I tried to befriend. I called people, I did them favors and faithfully waited for them to return my phone calls. Just repeating the same things to me over and over again is not going to change my memories! I am willing to look forward to the future, though, and try again, if the opportunity occurs.
DeleteI see you are not understanding what I wrote, not reading carefully what I wrote in my previous comment. I was referring to your projections that I have a pre-ordained agenda when meeting with clients. Not true, ever. Your creative imaginings do not make them true. I am judging that these are your insecurities speaking. They are certainly not reality at all
ReplyDeleteFriendliness has little to do with our actions. It has more to do with our heart. If we are cynical, critical, harboring judgments towards others, as I sense is your attitude towards others---no matter how much you may deny this---they pick up this negative spirit that dwells within and will have nothing to do with you.
Please clarify, how are things repeatedly said to you, and by whom? You are not not clear in your comment, as to what you mean. It is not a matter of opportunities perhaps falling our way, if we want healthy relationships. Being distant, not making an effort, having a negative attitude towards making this effort, as evidenced in your post,"Can I be that selfless, can you?" (A negative, downer perspective. And by the way, the answer is yes and yes!) . And, "But will that help me make friends?" Is either cynical or negative, or both. It does not inspire me nor any person who reads your blog. Cynicism may have its heyday here in the Bay Area, but it neither nurtures nor redeems.
"If the opportunity occurs" you say in the comment above.
We are to be active if we want to have friends, they will not happen by chance.
"A man who has friends must show himself friendly." Proverbs 18:24
And going to an Al-Anon Family Group meeting every other week does not show much commitment to recovery. Overcoming generational legacies and characterological growth require MUCH hard work, every day. One hour every other week will not make this possible.
I am not sure if you are serious about really wanting to get healthier. Thank you for your blog post and reply to my comment. They reveal your perspective and values. I simply don't agree with them.
Perhaps, I should start by apologizing for not expressing myself clearly. I shouldn't have said, you have a definite direction in your mind in the beginning of our sessions. I feel, sometimes, though, that you run away with instructing me, and its harder for me to get a word edgewise. If I insist on putting my point across, you, usually, respond and we have very productive sessions.
DeleteMost of all, in my blog I did not try to criticize you or the methods you suggest for winning friends. I expressed my insecurity in my own ability to have, as you quoted. a thick skin and soft heart instead of the thin skin and a hard heart. I recognize that as my problem.
Am I cynical about the relationships with the acquaintances I have right now? I could be. In all of them I don't feel the closeness I seek in a friendship. Is that wrong of me? I might recognize it as such in the future, but, for now, that's the place I'm in. As for me being a common denominator in all the failed friendships, I find it a hurtful and unfair judgement. You keep repeating that to me, as if I could just jump from having a broken heart to acting, as if I am perfect.
In summation, I am on my way to recovery, not there yet. I need to be able to express my insecurities and find solutions, so I go to counselling and write the blog. I do not criticize you, I appreciate your help and, if need be, talk about the things that bother me in a relationship with you. I hope, its OK with you.
By the way, you extending the time of our sessions is a great gift to me. If what I wrote came across as something different, I apologize greatly.