There was one small victory yesterday. When I took Hanah to do the test, we sat in a room, waiting for the nurse. I said something to Hanah and watched her face darken and become upset. I noticed before, that she was very fast to take offence. I can say nothing of the nature of the parental guidance without hurting her inner drama queen's feelings. I know that I have to, sometimes, say things that she won't like. It's important to let her know that!
I also realize that I'll get nowhere just blasting my admonishments at her.
So, at that moment in the clinical, sterile room, I began to feel like I was about to lose another battle with Hanah. Dread stole over me, as I watched her withdraw into the offended silence. I was afraid to go on pushing her, but a small voice in my head ("Mr. P., what are you doing there?") whispered: "Don't lose this chance! Speak!"
I summoned all my courage and said something like: "Hanah, I noticed that you are too quick to take offence, even when there is no offence meant by me or your dad. You should know that, we love you more than the words can say. You can't even imagine, how much we love you! I feel discouraged when you turn away from me like you just did. I have a need for fairness and to be able to guide you, time to time! So, would it be possible for you to hear me and your father out without immediately rejecting our advice?"
It's funny, I am 55 years old. I've been a mother for the last twenty one year. I just now began to tap into really connecting with my son and daughter. I had to go down into the depths of my heart to say what I did to Hanah!
What do you think, how she responded?
She looked at me blinking with a mixture of confusion and love. She said nothing, but I could feel that I reached her.
Kudos to you for using nonviolent communication (NVC)
ReplyDelete. Each time you do, it will get easier and you'll get stronger. This reference also helps us understand NVC.
You must feel good, you were able to connect with Hannah's needs!